on the cusp on the new year

when i heard this song on your ipod...i knew it was true love <3

at a glance

i don't really know where to go with this...

i guess this is supposed to be a retrospective of my year
something that most people do when a new year approaches in an effort to see how far they have come, if they have remained stagnant or if they failed miserably and have taken several steps backwards.

i think i land somewhere in between all that.

a lot of good stuff is on the horizon but it's easy to also think about the things i'm still struggling with in my life and the new problems that have presented themselves.

this time last year i was sitting in punta cana getting an amazing tan and avoiding life for a week.
i got home in time for new years eve and wound up getting into a fight with the person i was seeing because i yelled at some dude for drinking all his beer and it made said dude feel like less of a man.

i guess at this point my night tomorrow can't do anything but top that

2008

JOBS
i had a job working for my friend and helping her build her company. although in the early part of the year i had mixed emotions about my place there, i would eventually become so disgruntled and wind up hating the job so much i would want to shoot myself every day i was there. i eventually just up and quit and to this day me and this friend are not talking, sort of over hurt feelings but mostly because we are both extremely stubborn. i went unemployed for about 2 months. the first month was amazing, i still had enough money to do things and spent a lot of time sleeping in and just being a low life. as the second month approached i began to feel the crunch on money and a general distaste for being a degenerate. not having a defined schedule really made me feel like i was worthless and although i was sending out 20+ resumes a day, the cards weren't falling into place. by almost fluke i wound up with a job at a growing internet company and although the job i currently have is somewhat remedial and mind numbing, the way the economy is, i'm glad i finally happened upon something that's flexible with school and is steady.

EDUCATION
i had talked about going back to school for the past two years. unfortunately a left over tuition balance from 2005 made that a non reality for me and my pride kept me from involving my parents in trying to help. at a time when my life seemed in the biggest transition ever and having turned 25 the pressure seemed on to make a move. at the lowest point of this someone who i cared a lot about bluntly said "why are you being a loser...why aren't you going back to school?" after a couple of long talks and some tears my parents wound up helping me with the tuition balance and i re-enrolled in school after a 3 year hiatus. i couldn't afford to go full-time the first go around but am enrolled for full time status this coming semester. striving to be an adult and get what i need to take the next step in life is what i've focused on. it's hard to be a 26 year old student, thinking about when i was 23 and made 40K/yr cause i could work full-time and settling for 1/3 of that annually in order to pursue my education. trying to get back into that mindset and feeling like i'm taking a step back when it's really in an effort to take several strides forward is difficult. sticking it out will be key...

FAMILY
in the beginning of the year i was so focused on roller derby that i had gotten to a point of completely neglecting my families needs as well as having a hard time of effectively maintaining any sort of relationship. there would be weeks where i wouldn't talk to my dad or see my brother and both live across the alley from me. my relationship with my mother seemed to be rapidly disintegrating because of our living situation and more and more i wished to be rid of any and all obligations pertaining to them. if i could sum it up, this year was the year where i felt very selfish, then deserted and finally reaffirmed. i realized, although much later than i probably should have, that i needed to find a healthy balance with my family and that as i get older the opportunities to be with them become less and less and so the effort i make needs to be more and more. at the close of this year i realize that i will get only one 5th year with my brother, one 53rd year with my mother and one 54th year with my father. these years are important and as we all age the reality that the next might not even be a option becomes more real. lesson learned...i won't ever let something take my time away from them again...

FRIENDS
this year was weird in the friends department. it put me in a place where i had to seriously reevaluate how i treat people in my life and what i'm willing to let go of in order to not be someone no one wants to be around. part of being an only child is being extremely selfish and stubborn. i have a huge heart and would do anything for the people i care about, but at the same time i have a hard time getting past things i don't agree with and that can sometimes lead to an offensive nature that some people can deal with but most can not. good friends have rode the wave on my emotions and dealt, other good friend haven't and well...aren't friends anymore. this year took a lot of self evaluation and i'm not sure where it puts me for the upcoming year but i imagine some will be cutting my losses and others will be hopeful re connections with those friendships i feel i did a severe injustice to. i hope some of it will be warmly received but i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch...i guess i'm just crossing my fingers and staying positive.

highlights
getting to new levels of friendship with amy
reconnecting with my BFF from high school carla
trying to hang out with different people who i've always shared common interests with aka stephen and natalie
being the type of friend that mickey deserves...the hiatus did us some good but i'm glad to be back in your life
learning that even when you stop dating someone, they can still be one of your best friends

lowlights
sending an e-mail to someone trying to reconnect and being shot down
losing a good friend due to stubbornness
realizing that friend is a word only used when convenient by some people in my life with reference to me

DERBY
i accomplished a lot this year. it was the first year i felt i was an effective and irreplaceable part of my home team. it was also my first year as a captain in which i coached our all-star team to #2 in the nation. i've been to several cities i had never visited before and made more derby friends than in the last 3 years i have been playing. i helped in setting a foundation of professionalism in the league that eventually got us a home at the UIC Pavilion and figured out that i didn't have to do everything on the league for it to run. as the year closes out i have taken several steps back from leadership in an effort to regain my sanity. this is the first year that i have ever seriously considered it being my last and as of right now i'm not even sure how roller derby really fits into my life. once we start playing again i feel like i might be rejuvenated, the fire inside me reignited, but as of right now the fire burns low...some of me hopes it gets brighter but there is a tiny part of me that feels like i might need to move on...in reality it sort of scares me

MUSIC
at the beginning of the year i hadn't been to a hardcore show in almost 2 years (although a brief appearance was made at a 35th birthday bash). the hiatus was for a variety of reasons but some of it was a loss of connection to something that was once really important to me. after being in a relationship that didn't introduce me to anything new musically (a first for me), i started to really crave that part of me. in august i went back to it, the show was tiny and strange as i didn't know if i could just jump back into it...but after initial awkwardness let up, i decided to push on and wound up showing up at another show and well it all sort of started to feel ok...
but it was still different and remains that way for me...
i'm still unsure of where i fit in here or if there is even a place for me anymore. i don't know many bands and i still favor my old records to anything new. it's not a particularly good time for hardcore in my eyes but some stuff on the fringe i've really started to like. garagey, muted, unclean, little mosh, lotsa guitar...i don't know...it's weird
i've really uped my indie intake and have gotten to the point where my ipod mostly consists of things like that. if i had to state what i found this year that moved me the most it would probably be the eddie vedder soundtrack to into the wild...rogue wave, nada surf and sufjan stevens come in as close runner ups to my most played over the course of the year. my music selections seem to reflect my early/mid nineties life...weird how times change but not much else does.

LOVE
this is a complicated and sorted subject. one i can't really go into much detail about because of the implications on my life and those around me. the most important thing i have walked away from this year is that although i can't change anyone i am in full control of how people affect my life. i've dealt with the secrets, the comfortable, the boring, the intense and the negative. coming from a divorced family and seeing my mom alone for far too long has gotten me extremely fearful of being alone for the rest of my life. because of that i have kept certain people around on the outskirts, fall backs for the "just in case", people who i care about but i'm not in love with. i've been doing that for years actually...it's a product of my mind set and probably a reason why i can't ever be in a healthy relationship. a couple of months ago i really tried to get serious about what i wanted and how i could achieve it without holding back. this meant letting go of what wasn't healthy and it's been a process but i feel like the strength, will and want is finally achieved. actually today was the first day where i was very confident in my decision and what it meant for my future and my life. in the next couple of weeks there is so much more housekeeping i need to do in order to move on with a uncluttered heart. i'm hopeful for some things and sad to see other things that i spent so much energy on go away. parting with your lingering feelings is never easy...but i have to remember that no one ever got anywhere holding out for a ship that's already passed.

looking at all this, the year was successful. lessons learned, new roads traveled, opportunities a plenty and hope for the future. i don't regret although i recognize times at which i could have made different decisions and made things easier. but without those lessons or tragedies you can't really grow...and life is about growing. although i don't normally make resolutions besides the standard to lose more weight...this year i am resolved to be more considerate and passionate to those around me and try to learn how to deal with my finicky nature that pushes away more than it pulls in.

oh life...

i'm so full of bad decisions lately...
i don't know why i am living the end of this year so recklessly...

i think in my mind i feel like i need a change in my life but it's evident that i don't know how to accomplish that without some sort of chaos.
typical me...

i know certain things about myself and i know how to stop certain problems before they start...but i still get stuck in the same circles, the same stories with the same endings...

sometimes moving forward doesn't always mean you are choosing the right direction

moving on...

dreams

one day...

good day

♫♫ yeah i've got choices
better make the right choices
t-chart all my choices
at least i still have choices

i try not to be awkward... ♫♫

months

"i should just tell you that maybe the story won't end how we want it"

more picture fun

going through my computer trying to organize stuff...
came across so much stuff...
these are good.

yep...those are my parents...
this is one of my favorite photo booth pictures of myself. i don't remember when i took it or why but i can almost guarantee that is the photo booth in the rock n bowl.

our first windy city rollers calendar (2006). one of my favorite shots of all time...except my hand is doing something weird and i sort of look like i have a lobster claw...oh the good old days



everyone still raves about this halloween party. it was the only one i have ever thrown and it was really awesome. everyone dressed up and had a really good time. i dressed up as mary and gave away autographed pictures of myself as prizes for best costumes. the best from that night was cher and dog bounty hunter. this dude was creepy and never talked but like hung out with people...i title this photo...not even mary can save his soul

i used to have pink hair

and orange hair


this one time i rode the bull at hogs and honeys...

this little cuteness was coco's ex jacob's english bulldog. i loved her, tried to think of several ways to kidnap her but wound up having to settle for a photo instead...


one of my first bouts as a windy city roller. this move is called a baseball slide and is VERY illegal...not to mention i'm blocking out of bounds...

this is the first night anyone saw me with my half blonde/half black hair...people couldn't keep their hands off me...apparently blondes do have more fun...


i have all these really awesome pictures of me as a little one. the benefit of being an only child, stacks of photos just of me. i looked like mowgli from the jungle book in the bottom, it was taken at my abuela's house by my aunt. the top is from one of me and my parents frequent trips to the lake. we had that cooler for forever. these are two of my favorite pictures from the archives.


hank (top) and dio (bottom) are the best cats ever. i got one from a friend and the other i adopted. i was really concerned they weren't going to like each other but after about 2 weeks the became two tomcats totally gay for one another...i lucked out.

writer's block

i wish i could download my brain
i have so much to write but it won't come out...
maybe over the next couple of days when i can decompress a little

uggghhh

i'm a

big ball of gay right now...
and only you know what i mean...

now for depeche mode...!!...
:)

some of this and some of that

there isn't much that i miss about being in a relationship...
aside from the semi-consistent intimate time and having someone around to jump on any of my bandwagons, there are a lot of things i can get by without.

while at a show tonight i don't really know what came over me but i started to get sort of bummed on not being with someone and pretty nostalgic at the notion of "love".

maybe it was the low lighting, the buzzing of the guitars or the lyrics about feeling everything. i bet they all sort of contributed but what really got to me was watching as so many men in this crowd gently rubbed or affectionately touched the backs or legs of the girls they were with. something so simple...it resonates deeply with me...

it's this small gesture i miss most...those moments where the person touches you because they simply HAVE to....because nothing can better translate how they feel about you than that contact. it's like being told you're needed and wanted, that nothing would be the same without you and they don't even want to think about that possibility...days, weeks, months, years, lifetimes can instantly be seen and you know that there are going to be tons of beginnings but never an ending...at least for that moment...and you get all of this without words ever being spoken. it's insane to me how your senses and emotions come alive when a person you care about touches you. all this transferred through fingertips...through a simple motion, a slight grip, a gentle rub...the heat from that hand warming the skin beneath your clothes, something you can still feel after they've removed it.

whatever that magic is...it's good and like i said...i miss it

-------

speaking of the show...

it was ted leo in a solo effort at a loft space at the corner of fulton and damen.
i'm pretty sure it is the same building that anton used to screen at when he actually had a job but i hadn't been there in almost 6 years so i might be wrong.

tim kinsella of joan of arc and cap n jazz fame and older brother to mike kinsella from one of my favorite bands american football was co-headlining and did a solo thing as well much to my delight. dudes like tim and mike totally make me think i could pick up an electric guitar and tour the world making up small harmonies and singing slightly off key...maybe in 20-oh nine.

well i still have a story i think most would enjoy but first...you'll need a brief introduction to get the joke

...on several occasions throughout his set, TL would state that he was leaving his guitar "a little wet"...which was referring to this sort of off tuned sound. it was in a effort to support a steady bit of stage banter and probably deflect the fact that he kept playing out of tune...but anything that he said was laughed at by most present...keeping things pretty status quo.

the most memorable part of the night besides hearing the songs i wanted to from mr. leo (although on a side note most songs did not translate well to a solo effort) was this...

ted leo: this is a love song...
kid in crowd: make us cry
ted leo: i haven't made you cry yet?? i'm not doing my job apparently
lady from crowd: i'm crying from my crotch

COMPLETE SILENCE

ted leo: i didn't quite catch that...all i heard is blah blah CROTCH

small pause

some other dude in crowd: it's a little wet

huzzah!

oh and to top it off, the poem guy was there and did a poem about ted leo...if you frequented the fireside as much as i did as a teenager you totally know who i'm talking about and that just made your day.

picture fun

I Am In Love With Blossom

Snowy Campbell Ave

Glow

What I Did Last Friday Night Click for Pics

ode to athena

athena decrime aka decrizzle aka amy smith has been a part of my life since 2005.

we met when i tried out for the windy city rollers. she was one of the first people to talk to me at the recruitment event and she hand picked me from about 30ish "skater tots" to be a part of her team.
she captained me for 3 years and i guess we started to get close which is par the course when you are around someone for 4-5 days out of every week.

i don't know what the turning point was though, where we went from being skating buddies to real life friends. it was probably when we started taking trips together for travel team about two years ago and realized that we were really the only people we could stand being around in confined quarters. whatever it was that made that friendship blossom, she is now one of my best friends and someone i would do anything for.

this year has seen it's share of ups and downs for us and somehow we have weathered all the storms. in all honesty i'm thankful because i'm not sure what i'd do if she wasn't around.

no one would really understand how she lights up my life but...
things like telling me i IM like i talk...thus making me uncontrollably laugh like she always does...
or indulging me when i'm having moments of mental clarity
listening to all my bullshit and giving me advice that only a black woman living in a white woman's body could lay down
telling me i'm prettier and meaning every word of it
saying things like "her hair looks like a weave" and not thinking twice cause she knows it will make me smile

as you can tell a true friend in ever sense of the word

she's smart, beautiful, witty, hilarious, dependable, honest, hardworking, dedicated and more fun than almost anyone else i know...

i'm not even doing her justice here but you'd have to be lucky enough to know her to know exactly how amazing she is

<3

you know

smoking popes "i need you around"

insomnia

toss
turn
repeat

can't
turn
off
my
brain

thinking
of
what
i'd
say

toss
turn
repeat

this
is
bad
for
business

baby it's cold...

it's getting to be the point of ridiculousness outside with the weather. for the past couple of days it has been insanely cold, super bitter and with the sun only out for 5 hours a day, you basically put your life into the hands of fate that you will withstand frostbite as you leave the warm confines of your home.

lots of things i would like to be doing outside but i feel relatively unequipped...i guess i have the basic elements but this might be the year i invest in a thermal body suit to wear underneath everything i own. i used to be a relative hot box...like i could easily get away with the bare minimal during the winter and not have it matter. anyone who has ever slept next to me would laugh at this whole thing because i'm a human furnace come bed time, but as i've gotten older, my skin must be getting thinner because i can't escape feeling so cold on the outside that it breaks the barriers to my insides.

as we speak i just complained to my mom that it was too cold in the house...the thermostat says like 77 at this point and i want it at 85.

in an effort to ward off the cold weather and look fashionable while doing so i made this purchase tonight. charlie said the plaid was ill but tried to get me to buy a down coat instead...i like this one though so i stuck with it. i was set on the brown but on further inspection at REI with mickey it was determined that the black was a better choice...of course they didn't have my size...the medium wouldn't fit over my boobs...so i had to order it online...only a week or so until total warmness.


till then i'm still on the lookout for the perfect glove/scarf/mittens set...but like i said i think at this point i might need a whole face mask set up to battle this god damned wind...

oh chicago...
time to hibernate...
LOTR marathon here i come...

mumble mumble

hot bath
booth's lavender mineral soak
hate.contempt.hate.
no more worries...
dio during cold shower
my ipod knows me too well

at random
interpol - narc
depeche mode - behind the wheel
erykah badu - orange moon
nada surf - your legs grow
the killers - jenny was a friend of mine
the strokes - under control
mxpx - destroyed by you
oasis - shakermaker
dio - holy diver

sweet little lies

shooezzzz

sometimes the vans vault impresses me and i have to go on these scavenger hunts to find the shoes i want. for months these shoes have been elusive to me on the nerd...i suppose i could do some more in depth hunting but i'm too lazy for such things...

so as i was sitting here and lurking blogs i came across a link to a site where you could purchase shoes from the vans vault...it jogged my memory that i was still on the look out for these lovely ladies above and so i clicked on it thinking i'd still be SOL on the niagara front...

sooooo this blog started out with me finding these shoes but only in japan and wishing i knew how to convert their monopoly money into our real money to see the price. i also wasn't having any luck with their hieroglyphics so majorly bummed cause, as i said before, i've searched the nerd in vein for these and come up short...

but i thought i would give it one more try...
turns out...i found them!
in colorado...on sale...and in a 8.5 which i'm hoping is a mens size
although...i usually wear a mens 8 i could easily settle for a little big to have these...

crossing my fingers

these moon eyes in black and white are next on my list

merry xxxmas to me!

approaching a decade

i couldn't really remember what year I got into hardcore. as a skinhead i listened to some crossover, warzone, sick of it all, cro mags, you know standard nyhc type stuff. i distinctly remember amy hong getting me into gorilla biscuits before i had ever stepped foot into an actual hardcore show but with my bad memory i fell short of knowing when it all came together. i still can't remember my first show although i am sort of convinced it was a rts show in wisconsin.

so i went riffling through some pictures to jog my memory but also in an effort to find one in particular for steve kane that highlights his awesome hair dye choices. the oldest picture i had was from a show at the fireside in 1999 which i'm pretty sure was a no justice show...i only scanned things 2001 and before...some from shows...some from social events that have people in them i hardly ever or never see anymore...but i feel as though a lot of what i documented is missing....

then again i do have about 40 rolls of film that have never been developed...i can only imagine the gems in there...

Chicago Hardcore

oh...and if you're so inclined...the byrd years

oi oi