ppppffftttt

i haven't been writing because my life is one big mess right now
well that's sort of an exaggeration...
which i'm personally prone to
i tried to explain this once to a "friend"
about how life isn't so insane but in my little bubble certain things just make me want to eat my young...
i mean i literally feel like i'm losing it all the time over certain things..

recently i keep putting things on my plate and then getting side tracked when trying to complete them
the only thing i have actually finished is the acquisition of a guitar which i've had for about a month and i have still not tried to learn how to play
i also bought myself a new macbook with the intention of writing more and yet i sit on it aimlessly making new photos in photobooth and perusing the www apparently for the page where it ends...

a lot of emotional stuff is happening for me too...most of it i can't talk about...oh secrets...but it does all mostly revolve around
growing up, looking at my life, figuring it all out
what i want to keep from my past and my present and what i want to let go
i thought i was supposed to have all this figured out with my new years resolutions of letting ships sail on and shit, but like most things in life, i can't stick to any of it.

i was looking at my hands today and they are getting old.
i mean...they are just not how i remember them...they have these lines that weren't there before...i'm not scared of wrinkles but i'm scared of the time line that comes with them.

life is moving fast but nothing is changing...it's some weird cycle...maybe the reason why most people in their 30s say that the 20s sucked...
what is that about?

and with that...
i gotta start being ok with being alone
you think after 10 years of willy nilly kissing and hugging i'd get the bigger picture
but...
some of us are also slightly brain damaged
alone isn't so bad
at least alone i can't get into t.r.o.u.b.l.e.

funny again

Scorpio - January 10, 2009

The vibration from the planets is bringing you a deeper understanding of why someone close tends to behave in a certain way. Up until now you may have been puzzled by their attitude, which seemed to show a combination of genuine affection and indifference. As you allow your mind to drift over this issue, a realization will dawn that will help you to see just what is going on.

funny

Scorpio - January 8, 2009

The day's significant planetary aspect may make you confused about your feelings. On the one hand, you have a list of reasons as long as your arm as to why you should not have anything more to do with a certain person; but on the other, you are very much drawn by their wonderful eyes, their enchanting poetry, and magical sense of humor. What is a girl to do on such an occasion?

sweet little lies

tuesday night

glasses and tattoos

Barack Brains!

8-Bit

You have to check this out!

The best part is the slideshow...the commentary at the bottom of each photo is also equally hilarious

This one is by far my favorite aptly titled "Game Over for Good First Impressions"




enjoy!

http://www.asylum.com/2008/09/23/nintendo-tattoos-classic-8-bit-inspired-ink/?icid=aimDBDL2_link1-a

blowski <3

hating stuff

i'm extremely frustrated right now...unfortunately i wish i could say it was just at one thing but it's so many things all balled up into a voltron of crappity crap

i broke down and cried at practice tonight...
my leg won't let me do what i want it to, and there isn't any time for it to get any better.

having been injured twice in the last 2 months i have really let my fitness go and it's showing.
i feel fat, i feel weak, i feel tired

to top it all off, my lack of employment has left me apathetic and i really want to do nothing all the time...
i'm probably a little depressed too.

i can name only a couple of things that make me happy right now...and at least 2 of those are mildly stressful.

derby is supposed to be my solace...it's supposed to be my retreat...something i'm good at that i can just do...

i can't just do it right now and it's bumming me out...

maybe it's my period...maybe it's my need for a personal pity party...
i'm sure i'll be fine tomorrow...
i hate it...and i want to cry...well cry some more...

this past weekend

i'm still reeling...i have a lot of stuff going on in my head...
between derby, school and personal stuff...i can't wrap my brain around any complete thoughts

more later but...

highlights
-beating the number one team in the country by 100+pts
-liars danceparty (naked guy & shawnzie are by far my favorite)
-meeting some great people from KC
-finding my calling as the singer in Rock Band
-hour long talks in my car
-kai's turtle song

flowers

cause sometimes you have to do something nice for yourself

tag you're it...

20 years ago... i was 5..i went to preschool at "love and care". a year earlier a philipino kid named richie almost stabbed me in the eye with a pencil at the same place. we we're fighting over the strawberry shortcake one...apparently he wanted it more. had he been a better shot i might be blind in one eye, but instead i wound up with a lead dot on the side of my nose.

10 years ago... i was 15 almost 16 and went to an all girls school. this was the year i became a skinhead. i was a punk rocker. i had a shaved head with two long pieces in the front and was mistaken for a skinhead girl by a gas station attendant. i thought he was cute and my friend erin gave him my number. turns out he was 21 and i lied to him and told him i was 18. we started dating and he got me into the whole skinhead scene. i cut the two long fronts into bangs and my chelsea was born. i later revealed that i was 15 but it didn't seem to be a problem (ha!), he even went to my junior prom and went on to be the first boy i ever fell in love with. i ran with a crew of girls, got into a lot of fights and never came home on time. i'm pretty sure this was also the same year that i met andre for the first time. though we wouldn't get entangled in one another's lives until 3 years later...

5 Years ago...i was twenty going on twenty one..straightedge, hardcore and my friends were the only things that mattered. i was in college but i didn't care much about it...i'm pretty sure i was dating someone from lake in the hills...this time line gets fuzzy in my mind.

3 Years ago...this was the year i met the windy city rollers and belle diablo was born. anyone who knows me knows that roller derby would become an obsession with me that would eventually get me through one of the most insane freak outs of my life (read more below). i love it and hate it all at the same time, but i have become such a better person for having it in my life. i would probably end there because i have a horrible memory and i can hardly remember anything that happened yesterday much less 3 years ago. in an effort to be more insightful, i often have to reference things with e-mails or journals to try and figure out what i was doing in certain years. actually, that's one of the reasons i started this blog.

So while trying to do this, i came across my old livejournal and it just happened to be really active 3 years ago. apparently i was an emotional wreck...ha. reading these for the early half of 2005 makes me look insane, not only that, completely obsessed with someone. I can easily pick out who most of these posts are about...the following year this all culminates into one of the most insane winters of my life...where a lot of these feelings come full circle and chaos ensues and ultimately why i withdraw from anything hardcore related and throw myself into roller derby. this dramatic entry is one of my favorites...

fucked on the fourth of july...
i'm giving up on everything because everything is giving up on me...

it's not the rain talking...
the worst thing is trying to be over someone and realizing you can't do it...
trying to be genuinely into someone else...
because maybe you two have some things in common...
and he has a pretty stellar smile...
but even looking at him...makes you think of that other person..
and then you realize you aren't fooling anyone...
not even yourself...
so you do the things you said you wouldn't...
you call even though you said you shouldn't...
and you realize what an idiot you have become...
and you figure that they will always have this effect on you...
so you stand in the rain...
stare at the sky...
ask god to let lightening strike you...
anything to make you not feel like you are as worthless as they make you feel...

and i ask the question...
am i good for anything?
and i give myself the answer...
good for the things people don't talk about...
i'm good for secrets...

and that's when i give up...

ha

Yesterday...got home around 5:30-6 in the am...snuck up my stairs and couldn't help but be in a good mood but also tired as hell. slept until 10 (record for me these days). had an interview *crosses fingers* and decided to meet up with someone special for lunch. we split pad thai and i was reintroduced to sushi and currently love asparagus, avocado and cucumber rolls. it should also be noted that i had the hugest glass of thai ice tea. i bummed around for a while after that and then got ready for practice. coming off a shitty practice on thursday where i basically lost it, i wasn't looking forward to another night of bullshit. but i was pleasantly surprised and it wound up being amazing! it was good to be with motivated people who wanted to get things done. the drills went off without a hitch and i feel like we made some real strides just in time for our game next week and gearing up to try and take the #1 spot in the east...

Tomorrow...scrimmage at 9:30am in preparation for regionals. the rest is up in the air...lazy sunday here i come

If you want to play this game...your read it, so now you write about it

There's More Than Mountains in Denver

Bump and Grind - Denver, CO

gold chain

i used to have the biggest crush on this dude when i was in grade school...

i'm not really sure why white dudes feel the need to do these "video" parodies ala adam sandburg and jt...wait...maybe it isn't a parody...

if i had to be honest it's sort of reaffirmed my crush on Simon Rex and i must admit is pretty hilarious but proof that washed up celebs have too much money and too much time on their hands...

Say hello to Aktar

i got to make out with one of these tonight...

i can save your life with my newly acquired CPR and AED skillz

i will say that 20 derby girls in one room with 10 Aktar dummies is a recipe for disaster...i'm not sure how anything got done