at a glance

i don't really know where to go with this...

i guess this is supposed to be a retrospective of my year
something that most people do when a new year approaches in an effort to see how far they have come, if they have remained stagnant or if they failed miserably and have taken several steps backwards.

i think i land somewhere in between all that.

a lot of good stuff is on the horizon but it's easy to also think about the things i'm still struggling with in my life and the new problems that have presented themselves.

this time last year i was sitting in punta cana getting an amazing tan and avoiding life for a week.
i got home in time for new years eve and wound up getting into a fight with the person i was seeing because i yelled at some dude for drinking all his beer and it made said dude feel like less of a man.

i guess at this point my night tomorrow can't do anything but top that

2008

JOBS
i had a job working for my friend and helping her build her company. although in the early part of the year i had mixed emotions about my place there, i would eventually become so disgruntled and wind up hating the job so much i would want to shoot myself every day i was there. i eventually just up and quit and to this day me and this friend are not talking, sort of over hurt feelings but mostly because we are both extremely stubborn. i went unemployed for about 2 months. the first month was amazing, i still had enough money to do things and spent a lot of time sleeping in and just being a low life. as the second month approached i began to feel the crunch on money and a general distaste for being a degenerate. not having a defined schedule really made me feel like i was worthless and although i was sending out 20+ resumes a day, the cards weren't falling into place. by almost fluke i wound up with a job at a growing internet company and although the job i currently have is somewhat remedial and mind numbing, the way the economy is, i'm glad i finally happened upon something that's flexible with school and is steady.

EDUCATION
i had talked about going back to school for the past two years. unfortunately a left over tuition balance from 2005 made that a non reality for me and my pride kept me from involving my parents in trying to help. at a time when my life seemed in the biggest transition ever and having turned 25 the pressure seemed on to make a move. at the lowest point of this someone who i cared a lot about bluntly said "why are you being a loser...why aren't you going back to school?" after a couple of long talks and some tears my parents wound up helping me with the tuition balance and i re-enrolled in school after a 3 year hiatus. i couldn't afford to go full-time the first go around but am enrolled for full time status this coming semester. striving to be an adult and get what i need to take the next step in life is what i've focused on. it's hard to be a 26 year old student, thinking about when i was 23 and made 40K/yr cause i could work full-time and settling for 1/3 of that annually in order to pursue my education. trying to get back into that mindset and feeling like i'm taking a step back when it's really in an effort to take several strides forward is difficult. sticking it out will be key...

FAMILY
in the beginning of the year i was so focused on roller derby that i had gotten to a point of completely neglecting my families needs as well as having a hard time of effectively maintaining any sort of relationship. there would be weeks where i wouldn't talk to my dad or see my brother and both live across the alley from me. my relationship with my mother seemed to be rapidly disintegrating because of our living situation and more and more i wished to be rid of any and all obligations pertaining to them. if i could sum it up, this year was the year where i felt very selfish, then deserted and finally reaffirmed. i realized, although much later than i probably should have, that i needed to find a healthy balance with my family and that as i get older the opportunities to be with them become less and less and so the effort i make needs to be more and more. at the close of this year i realize that i will get only one 5th year with my brother, one 53rd year with my mother and one 54th year with my father. these years are important and as we all age the reality that the next might not even be a option becomes more real. lesson learned...i won't ever let something take my time away from them again...

FRIENDS
this year was weird in the friends department. it put me in a place where i had to seriously reevaluate how i treat people in my life and what i'm willing to let go of in order to not be someone no one wants to be around. part of being an only child is being extremely selfish and stubborn. i have a huge heart and would do anything for the people i care about, but at the same time i have a hard time getting past things i don't agree with and that can sometimes lead to an offensive nature that some people can deal with but most can not. good friends have rode the wave on my emotions and dealt, other good friend haven't and well...aren't friends anymore. this year took a lot of self evaluation and i'm not sure where it puts me for the upcoming year but i imagine some will be cutting my losses and others will be hopeful re connections with those friendships i feel i did a severe injustice to. i hope some of it will be warmly received but i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch...i guess i'm just crossing my fingers and staying positive.

highlights
getting to new levels of friendship with amy
reconnecting with my BFF from high school carla
trying to hang out with different people who i've always shared common interests with aka stephen and natalie
being the type of friend that mickey deserves...the hiatus did us some good but i'm glad to be back in your life
learning that even when you stop dating someone, they can still be one of your best friends

lowlights
sending an e-mail to someone trying to reconnect and being shot down
losing a good friend due to stubbornness
realizing that friend is a word only used when convenient by some people in my life with reference to me

DERBY
i accomplished a lot this year. it was the first year i felt i was an effective and irreplaceable part of my home team. it was also my first year as a captain in which i coached our all-star team to #2 in the nation. i've been to several cities i had never visited before and made more derby friends than in the last 3 years i have been playing. i helped in setting a foundation of professionalism in the league that eventually got us a home at the UIC Pavilion and figured out that i didn't have to do everything on the league for it to run. as the year closes out i have taken several steps back from leadership in an effort to regain my sanity. this is the first year that i have ever seriously considered it being my last and as of right now i'm not even sure how roller derby really fits into my life. once we start playing again i feel like i might be rejuvenated, the fire inside me reignited, but as of right now the fire burns low...some of me hopes it gets brighter but there is a tiny part of me that feels like i might need to move on...in reality it sort of scares me

MUSIC
at the beginning of the year i hadn't been to a hardcore show in almost 2 years (although a brief appearance was made at a 35th birthday bash). the hiatus was for a variety of reasons but some of it was a loss of connection to something that was once really important to me. after being in a relationship that didn't introduce me to anything new musically (a first for me), i started to really crave that part of me. in august i went back to it, the show was tiny and strange as i didn't know if i could just jump back into it...but after initial awkwardness let up, i decided to push on and wound up showing up at another show and well it all sort of started to feel ok...
but it was still different and remains that way for me...
i'm still unsure of where i fit in here or if there is even a place for me anymore. i don't know many bands and i still favor my old records to anything new. it's not a particularly good time for hardcore in my eyes but some stuff on the fringe i've really started to like. garagey, muted, unclean, little mosh, lotsa guitar...i don't know...it's weird
i've really uped my indie intake and have gotten to the point where my ipod mostly consists of things like that. if i had to state what i found this year that moved me the most it would probably be the eddie vedder soundtrack to into the wild...rogue wave, nada surf and sufjan stevens come in as close runner ups to my most played over the course of the year. my music selections seem to reflect my early/mid nineties life...weird how times change but not much else does.

LOVE
this is a complicated and sorted subject. one i can't really go into much detail about because of the implications on my life and those around me. the most important thing i have walked away from this year is that although i can't change anyone i am in full control of how people affect my life. i've dealt with the secrets, the comfortable, the boring, the intense and the negative. coming from a divorced family and seeing my mom alone for far too long has gotten me extremely fearful of being alone for the rest of my life. because of that i have kept certain people around on the outskirts, fall backs for the "just in case", people who i care about but i'm not in love with. i've been doing that for years actually...it's a product of my mind set and probably a reason why i can't ever be in a healthy relationship. a couple of months ago i really tried to get serious about what i wanted and how i could achieve it without holding back. this meant letting go of what wasn't healthy and it's been a process but i feel like the strength, will and want is finally achieved. actually today was the first day where i was very confident in my decision and what it meant for my future and my life. in the next couple of weeks there is so much more housekeeping i need to do in order to move on with a uncluttered heart. i'm hopeful for some things and sad to see other things that i spent so much energy on go away. parting with your lingering feelings is never easy...but i have to remember that no one ever got anywhere holding out for a ship that's already passed.

looking at all this, the year was successful. lessons learned, new roads traveled, opportunities a plenty and hope for the future. i don't regret although i recognize times at which i could have made different decisions and made things easier. but without those lessons or tragedies you can't really grow...and life is about growing. although i don't normally make resolutions besides the standard to lose more weight...this year i am resolved to be more considerate and passionate to those around me and try to learn how to deal with my finicky nature that pushes away more than it pulls in.