ppppffftttt

i haven't been writing because my life is one big mess right now
well that's sort of an exaggeration...
which i'm personally prone to
i tried to explain this once to a "friend"
about how life isn't so insane but in my little bubble certain things just make me want to eat my young...
i mean i literally feel like i'm losing it all the time over certain things..

recently i keep putting things on my plate and then getting side tracked when trying to complete them
the only thing i have actually finished is the acquisition of a guitar which i've had for about a month and i have still not tried to learn how to play
i also bought myself a new macbook with the intention of writing more and yet i sit on it aimlessly making new photos in photobooth and perusing the www apparently for the page where it ends...

a lot of emotional stuff is happening for me too...most of it i can't talk about...oh secrets...but it does all mostly revolve around
growing up, looking at my life, figuring it all out
what i want to keep from my past and my present and what i want to let go
i thought i was supposed to have all this figured out with my new years resolutions of letting ships sail on and shit, but like most things in life, i can't stick to any of it.

i was looking at my hands today and they are getting old.
i mean...they are just not how i remember them...they have these lines that weren't there before...i'm not scared of wrinkles but i'm scared of the time line that comes with them.

life is moving fast but nothing is changing...it's some weird cycle...maybe the reason why most people in their 30s say that the 20s sucked...
what is that about?

and with that...
i gotta start being ok with being alone
you think after 10 years of willy nilly kissing and hugging i'd get the bigger picture
but...
some of us are also slightly brain damaged
alone isn't so bad
at least alone i can't get into t.r.o.u.b.l.e.