issues anyone?

i'm putting off writing this paper...the first of many that i won't really want to write but i have to in order to get done with school.

i found out the other day that should everything work out in my favor i'll be done with school come november of this year. if something should go awry i will be looking at one quarter past that...so spring of 2010.

it's basically 8 classes that stand in the way of my happiness and ability to move on...

i've been so lethargic this past week. it's been really hard to stay motivated enough to keep my eyes open. i constantly want to take naps. i can only assume it's getting acclimated to this new schedule...my life is busy again. derby, school and work are all time intensive. i wanted the routine all back but now i'm sort of kicking myself in the butt for wishing so hard for it. i really wish like everyone does for a unending supply of money so i can just leisurely go through life, doing what i want with no responsibilities to anyone.

but while i'm waiting around for that little miracle...what i long for most right now is to have more alone time at home. this evening i came home and probably had about an hour and a half before my mom stepped foot through the door. she was later than she normally is and i kept looking at the clock savoring every minute that i didn't have to hear someone else moving around in the house. around 6:30 i went into my room and tried to lay down in the dark...like i said i've been super tired...i just wanted to get to sleep early or take some sort of nap. i was down for probably a half hour before i heard the door open, it slam and foot steps...my whole stomach sunk...in my mind i kept saying "god damnit"...hearing her footsteps up the stairs was almost enough to send me over the edge.

it's weird too because although we are in the same house only about 30% of the time we spend here together involves us actually talking to one another. it's the "being" that drives me crazy. yes que finger twirling near head "cuckoo" motion.

so i don't even know what that means for me...
i talked about it briefly with steve...he said family dynamic is different than having a roommate. i tend to agree but there are lots of grey area with that. which puts me in a place where i think i would want to live alone for a long time. when i think about it i probably couldn't ever live with anyone unless they were willing to hotel it for 4 out of the 7 day week. i remember having a roommate and staying in my room most of the time. we hardly ever shared common space at the same time and when she would have people visit i wanted to kill her. the first set of roommates i had, i felt like i cleaned up after them all the time. if it wasn't one thing it was another and i felt more like a mom than a equal. i've never lived with anyone i was dating...there are so many things about me that are strange and quirky...so many things that bend me out of shape, i'm not even sure if that is something that would work. i used to stay at john's enough that it was almost like living with him. there was point where it literally would have made more sense for me to pay rent there than commute back and forth from my place to his, but there was never a sense where i thought, this would be a good idea enough for me to push for it.

steve's solution was a place big enough that alone time could be had but companionship was still an option. that's fine...let me watch my tv programs and then we can come together for a snuggle sess before bed...i'll even cook you dinner but i don't want to necessarily eat it with you...a couple nights out of the week i will want to touch you while i'm sleeping but 75 percent of the time my back will be toward you and me drooling on my own pillow with a half a person worth of room between us (i'm a heater box and i don't need your body heat too). mutual time has to be on my terms...when i want it you have to want it and when i don't you need to find something else to do.

ha...i'm really not this much of a nazi...
guess it all depends...