good & bye

i just got done finishing the movie shop girl.
i can't say i was particularly impressed by it and i vaguely remember reading reviews when it came out that said it wasn't really that great...maybe i should have read the book instead.

the movie, although sort of hit and miss...did have some poignant parts which semi reflected my life and left me thinking about how i had spent the earlier part of this year.

much like the characters in the movie, me played by claire danes (maribelle), him played by steve martin (ray)...at the end of the story i wind up happy and with someone who loves me, he winds up missing me. funny how those things work out.

in the story, maribelle was wooed by this older man, ray. she gave him anything and everything she could, whilst he kept his distance but played the part to the best of his abilities...never actually being able to master the commitment. living a fantasy littered with fancy things, paid for dinners and romantic weekends, the dream continues for a while but everyone in the audience is waiting for the bottom to fall out. and then it happens...she asks him "why don't you love me?" which was asked in a way which i always asked "him" "why won't you choose me?" and ray doesn't have an answer. like i said...movie mimics real life in an uncanny way.

eventually, just like i did, maribelle moves on, hurt now but knowing that either way the hurt would be there...much like how i looked at it "it just all depends on when you want to deal with it". and i imagine just like in this movie we think about eachother from time to time, sometimes at the same time without even knowing it.

in the end, they see each other, her with the new person in her life (jeremy), a person who "surpasses" ray in all aspects, because jeremy can give her what ray never could...his whole self. ray finally tells maribelle that he did love her and that he was sorry for how things turned out...she cries...but once you move forward you can't go back...because we all know that often what's broken can't be fixed.

maribelle says goodbye and runs into the arms of the one who actually can give her what she needs...

i don't know what happens from there cause the credits roll...but i imagine the characters see each other from time to time, still do that thinking thing but move on to live the lives they were supposed to live.

i think the saddest part about the whole thing...fiction or not...is that the time lost...the time and heart you give to someone else...and how most people only care about it when you're gone.

out of step

in all seriousness...not one song can make me feel how this song makes me feel

"i'm running out of time i'm out of step and
closing down and never sleep for wanting hours
the empty hours of greed and uselessly always
the need to feel again the real belief of
something more than mockery if only i could
fill my heart with love"

i wish i could write like this...

drjg

this is what pollutes my brain right now

doofus

i'm having serious writer's block so this blog hasn't been updated with anything of relevance for some time.

as of late, some of it can also be attributed to feeling extremely blasé about anything and everything

i don't feel really happy and i don't feel really sad...it's like my emotions have emotions which negate any sort of real feeling...does that make sense?

probably not.

so i've just been sleeping a lot...so much so that my mom commented on it tonight (for the record she thinks i have mono)

i need my mind back, it's gone on an apparent vacation

issues anyone?

i'm putting off writing this paper...the first of many that i won't really want to write but i have to in order to get done with school.

i found out the other day that should everything work out in my favor i'll be done with school come november of this year. if something should go awry i will be looking at one quarter past that...so spring of 2010.

it's basically 8 classes that stand in the way of my happiness and ability to move on...

i've been so lethargic this past week. it's been really hard to stay motivated enough to keep my eyes open. i constantly want to take naps. i can only assume it's getting acclimated to this new schedule...my life is busy again. derby, school and work are all time intensive. i wanted the routine all back but now i'm sort of kicking myself in the butt for wishing so hard for it. i really wish like everyone does for a unending supply of money so i can just leisurely go through life, doing what i want with no responsibilities to anyone.

but while i'm waiting around for that little miracle...what i long for most right now is to have more alone time at home. this evening i came home and probably had about an hour and a half before my mom stepped foot through the door. she was later than she normally is and i kept looking at the clock savoring every minute that i didn't have to hear someone else moving around in the house. around 6:30 i went into my room and tried to lay down in the dark...like i said i've been super tired...i just wanted to get to sleep early or take some sort of nap. i was down for probably a half hour before i heard the door open, it slam and foot steps...my whole stomach sunk...in my mind i kept saying "god damnit"...hearing her footsteps up the stairs was almost enough to send me over the edge.

it's weird too because although we are in the same house only about 30% of the time we spend here together involves us actually talking to one another. it's the "being" that drives me crazy. yes que finger twirling near head "cuckoo" motion.

so i don't even know what that means for me...
i talked about it briefly with steve...he said family dynamic is different than having a roommate. i tend to agree but there are lots of grey area with that. which puts me in a place where i think i would want to live alone for a long time. when i think about it i probably couldn't ever live with anyone unless they were willing to hotel it for 4 out of the 7 day week. i remember having a roommate and staying in my room most of the time. we hardly ever shared common space at the same time and when she would have people visit i wanted to kill her. the first set of roommates i had, i felt like i cleaned up after them all the time. if it wasn't one thing it was another and i felt more like a mom than a equal. i've never lived with anyone i was dating...there are so many things about me that are strange and quirky...so many things that bend me out of shape, i'm not even sure if that is something that would work. i used to stay at john's enough that it was almost like living with him. there was point where it literally would have made more sense for me to pay rent there than commute back and forth from my place to his, but there was never a sense where i thought, this would be a good idea enough for me to push for it.

steve's solution was a place big enough that alone time could be had but companionship was still an option. that's fine...let me watch my tv programs and then we can come together for a snuggle sess before bed...i'll even cook you dinner but i don't want to necessarily eat it with you...a couple nights out of the week i will want to touch you while i'm sleeping but 75 percent of the time my back will be toward you and me drooling on my own pillow with a half a person worth of room between us (i'm a heater box and i don't need your body heat too). mutual time has to be on my terms...when i want it you have to want it and when i don't you need to find something else to do.

ha...i'm really not this much of a nazi...
guess it all depends...

bitch n moan

my knee hurts
i need a new set of plates for my skates
i have the worst bruises i've ever gotten skating from a fall resulting in said plates being annihilated...

i hate getting up in the morning!
there isn't even sun out!
serenity now...serenity at any point today

at a glance

i don't really know where to go with this...

i guess this is supposed to be a retrospective of my year
something that most people do when a new year approaches in an effort to see how far they have come, if they have remained stagnant or if they failed miserably and have taken several steps backwards.

i think i land somewhere in between all that.

a lot of good stuff is on the horizon but it's easy to also think about the things i'm still struggling with in my life and the new problems that have presented themselves.

this time last year i was sitting in punta cana getting an amazing tan and avoiding life for a week.
i got home in time for new years eve and wound up getting into a fight with the person i was seeing because i yelled at some dude for drinking all his beer and it made said dude feel like less of a man.

i guess at this point my night tomorrow can't do anything but top that

2008

JOBS
i had a job working for my friend and helping her build her company. although in the early part of the year i had mixed emotions about my place there, i would eventually become so disgruntled and wind up hating the job so much i would want to shoot myself every day i was there. i eventually just up and quit and to this day me and this friend are not talking, sort of over hurt feelings but mostly because we are both extremely stubborn. i went unemployed for about 2 months. the first month was amazing, i still had enough money to do things and spent a lot of time sleeping in and just being a low life. as the second month approached i began to feel the crunch on money and a general distaste for being a degenerate. not having a defined schedule really made me feel like i was worthless and although i was sending out 20+ resumes a day, the cards weren't falling into place. by almost fluke i wound up with a job at a growing internet company and although the job i currently have is somewhat remedial and mind numbing, the way the economy is, i'm glad i finally happened upon something that's flexible with school and is steady.

EDUCATION
i had talked about going back to school for the past two years. unfortunately a left over tuition balance from 2005 made that a non reality for me and my pride kept me from involving my parents in trying to help. at a time when my life seemed in the biggest transition ever and having turned 25 the pressure seemed on to make a move. at the lowest point of this someone who i cared a lot about bluntly said "why are you being a loser...why aren't you going back to school?" after a couple of long talks and some tears my parents wound up helping me with the tuition balance and i re-enrolled in school after a 3 year hiatus. i couldn't afford to go full-time the first go around but am enrolled for full time status this coming semester. striving to be an adult and get what i need to take the next step in life is what i've focused on. it's hard to be a 26 year old student, thinking about when i was 23 and made 40K/yr cause i could work full-time and settling for 1/3 of that annually in order to pursue my education. trying to get back into that mindset and feeling like i'm taking a step back when it's really in an effort to take several strides forward is difficult. sticking it out will be key...

FAMILY
in the beginning of the year i was so focused on roller derby that i had gotten to a point of completely neglecting my families needs as well as having a hard time of effectively maintaining any sort of relationship. there would be weeks where i wouldn't talk to my dad or see my brother and both live across the alley from me. my relationship with my mother seemed to be rapidly disintegrating because of our living situation and more and more i wished to be rid of any and all obligations pertaining to them. if i could sum it up, this year was the year where i felt very selfish, then deserted and finally reaffirmed. i realized, although much later than i probably should have, that i needed to find a healthy balance with my family and that as i get older the opportunities to be with them become less and less and so the effort i make needs to be more and more. at the close of this year i realize that i will get only one 5th year with my brother, one 53rd year with my mother and one 54th year with my father. these years are important and as we all age the reality that the next might not even be a option becomes more real. lesson learned...i won't ever let something take my time away from them again...

FRIENDS
this year was weird in the friends department. it put me in a place where i had to seriously reevaluate how i treat people in my life and what i'm willing to let go of in order to not be someone no one wants to be around. part of being an only child is being extremely selfish and stubborn. i have a huge heart and would do anything for the people i care about, but at the same time i have a hard time getting past things i don't agree with and that can sometimes lead to an offensive nature that some people can deal with but most can not. good friends have rode the wave on my emotions and dealt, other good friend haven't and well...aren't friends anymore. this year took a lot of self evaluation and i'm not sure where it puts me for the upcoming year but i imagine some will be cutting my losses and others will be hopeful re connections with those friendships i feel i did a severe injustice to. i hope some of it will be warmly received but i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch...i guess i'm just crossing my fingers and staying positive.

highlights
getting to new levels of friendship with amy
reconnecting with my BFF from high school carla
trying to hang out with different people who i've always shared common interests with aka stephen and natalie
being the type of friend that mickey deserves...the hiatus did us some good but i'm glad to be back in your life
learning that even when you stop dating someone, they can still be one of your best friends

lowlights
sending an e-mail to someone trying to reconnect and being shot down
losing a good friend due to stubbornness
realizing that friend is a word only used when convenient by some people in my life with reference to me

DERBY
i accomplished a lot this year. it was the first year i felt i was an effective and irreplaceable part of my home team. it was also my first year as a captain in which i coached our all-star team to #2 in the nation. i've been to several cities i had never visited before and made more derby friends than in the last 3 years i have been playing. i helped in setting a foundation of professionalism in the league that eventually got us a home at the UIC Pavilion and figured out that i didn't have to do everything on the league for it to run. as the year closes out i have taken several steps back from leadership in an effort to regain my sanity. this is the first year that i have ever seriously considered it being my last and as of right now i'm not even sure how roller derby really fits into my life. once we start playing again i feel like i might be rejuvenated, the fire inside me reignited, but as of right now the fire burns low...some of me hopes it gets brighter but there is a tiny part of me that feels like i might need to move on...in reality it sort of scares me

MUSIC
at the beginning of the year i hadn't been to a hardcore show in almost 2 years (although a brief appearance was made at a 35th birthday bash). the hiatus was for a variety of reasons but some of it was a loss of connection to something that was once really important to me. after being in a relationship that didn't introduce me to anything new musically (a first for me), i started to really crave that part of me. in august i went back to it, the show was tiny and strange as i didn't know if i could just jump back into it...but after initial awkwardness let up, i decided to push on and wound up showing up at another show and well it all sort of started to feel ok...
but it was still different and remains that way for me...
i'm still unsure of where i fit in here or if there is even a place for me anymore. i don't know many bands and i still favor my old records to anything new. it's not a particularly good time for hardcore in my eyes but some stuff on the fringe i've really started to like. garagey, muted, unclean, little mosh, lotsa guitar...i don't know...it's weird
i've really uped my indie intake and have gotten to the point where my ipod mostly consists of things like that. if i had to state what i found this year that moved me the most it would probably be the eddie vedder soundtrack to into the wild...rogue wave, nada surf and sufjan stevens come in as close runner ups to my most played over the course of the year. my music selections seem to reflect my early/mid nineties life...weird how times change but not much else does.

LOVE
this is a complicated and sorted subject. one i can't really go into much detail about because of the implications on my life and those around me. the most important thing i have walked away from this year is that although i can't change anyone i am in full control of how people affect my life. i've dealt with the secrets, the comfortable, the boring, the intense and the negative. coming from a divorced family and seeing my mom alone for far too long has gotten me extremely fearful of being alone for the rest of my life. because of that i have kept certain people around on the outskirts, fall backs for the "just in case", people who i care about but i'm not in love with. i've been doing that for years actually...it's a product of my mind set and probably a reason why i can't ever be in a healthy relationship. a couple of months ago i really tried to get serious about what i wanted and how i could achieve it without holding back. this meant letting go of what wasn't healthy and it's been a process but i feel like the strength, will and want is finally achieved. actually today was the first day where i was very confident in my decision and what it meant for my future and my life. in the next couple of weeks there is so much more housekeeping i need to do in order to move on with a uncluttered heart. i'm hopeful for some things and sad to see other things that i spent so much energy on go away. parting with your lingering feelings is never easy...but i have to remember that no one ever got anywhere holding out for a ship that's already passed.

looking at all this, the year was successful. lessons learned, new roads traveled, opportunities a plenty and hope for the future. i don't regret although i recognize times at which i could have made different decisions and made things easier. but without those lessons or tragedies you can't really grow...and life is about growing. although i don't normally make resolutions besides the standard to lose more weight...this year i am resolved to be more considerate and passionate to those around me and try to learn how to deal with my finicky nature that pushes away more than it pulls in.

oh life...

i'm so full of bad decisions lately...
i don't know why i am living the end of this year so recklessly...

i think in my mind i feel like i need a change in my life but it's evident that i don't know how to accomplish that without some sort of chaos.
typical me...

i know certain things about myself and i know how to stop certain problems before they start...but i still get stuck in the same circles, the same stories with the same endings...

sometimes moving forward doesn't always mean you are choosing the right direction

moving on...

i'm a

big ball of gay right now...
and only you know what i mean...

now for depeche mode...!!...
:)

some of this and some of that

there isn't much that i miss about being in a relationship...
aside from the semi-consistent intimate time and having someone around to jump on any of my bandwagons, there are a lot of things i can get by without.

while at a show tonight i don't really know what came over me but i started to get sort of bummed on not being with someone and pretty nostalgic at the notion of "love".

maybe it was the low lighting, the buzzing of the guitars or the lyrics about feeling everything. i bet they all sort of contributed but what really got to me was watching as so many men in this crowd gently rubbed or affectionately touched the backs or legs of the girls they were with. something so simple...it resonates deeply with me...

it's this small gesture i miss most...those moments where the person touches you because they simply HAVE to....because nothing can better translate how they feel about you than that contact. it's like being told you're needed and wanted, that nothing would be the same without you and they don't even want to think about that possibility...days, weeks, months, years, lifetimes can instantly be seen and you know that there are going to be tons of beginnings but never an ending...at least for that moment...and you get all of this without words ever being spoken. it's insane to me how your senses and emotions come alive when a person you care about touches you. all this transferred through fingertips...through a simple motion, a slight grip, a gentle rub...the heat from that hand warming the skin beneath your clothes, something you can still feel after they've removed it.

whatever that magic is...it's good and like i said...i miss it

-------

speaking of the show...

it was ted leo in a solo effort at a loft space at the corner of fulton and damen.
i'm pretty sure it is the same building that anton used to screen at when he actually had a job but i hadn't been there in almost 6 years so i might be wrong.

tim kinsella of joan of arc and cap n jazz fame and older brother to mike kinsella from one of my favorite bands american football was co-headlining and did a solo thing as well much to my delight. dudes like tim and mike totally make me think i could pick up an electric guitar and tour the world making up small harmonies and singing slightly off key...maybe in 20-oh nine.

well i still have a story i think most would enjoy but first...you'll need a brief introduction to get the joke

...on several occasions throughout his set, TL would state that he was leaving his guitar "a little wet"...which was referring to this sort of off tuned sound. it was in a effort to support a steady bit of stage banter and probably deflect the fact that he kept playing out of tune...but anything that he said was laughed at by most present...keeping things pretty status quo.

the most memorable part of the night besides hearing the songs i wanted to from mr. leo (although on a side note most songs did not translate well to a solo effort) was this...

ted leo: this is a love song...
kid in crowd: make us cry
ted leo: i haven't made you cry yet?? i'm not doing my job apparently
lady from crowd: i'm crying from my crotch

COMPLETE SILENCE

ted leo: i didn't quite catch that...all i heard is blah blah CROTCH

small pause

some other dude in crowd: it's a little wet

huzzah!

oh and to top it off, the poem guy was there and did a poem about ted leo...if you frequented the fireside as much as i did as a teenager you totally know who i'm talking about and that just made your day.

ode to athena

athena decrime aka decrizzle aka amy smith has been a part of my life since 2005.

we met when i tried out for the windy city rollers. she was one of the first people to talk to me at the recruitment event and she hand picked me from about 30ish "skater tots" to be a part of her team.
she captained me for 3 years and i guess we started to get close which is par the course when you are around someone for 4-5 days out of every week.

i don't know what the turning point was though, where we went from being skating buddies to real life friends. it was probably when we started taking trips together for travel team about two years ago and realized that we were really the only people we could stand being around in confined quarters. whatever it was that made that friendship blossom, she is now one of my best friends and someone i would do anything for.

this year has seen it's share of ups and downs for us and somehow we have weathered all the storms. in all honesty i'm thankful because i'm not sure what i'd do if she wasn't around.

no one would really understand how she lights up my life but...
things like telling me i IM like i talk...thus making me uncontrollably laugh like she always does...
or indulging me when i'm having moments of mental clarity
listening to all my bullshit and giving me advice that only a black woman living in a white woman's body could lay down
telling me i'm prettier and meaning every word of it
saying things like "her hair looks like a weave" and not thinking twice cause she knows it will make me smile

as you can tell a true friend in ever sense of the word

she's smart, beautiful, witty, hilarious, dependable, honest, hardworking, dedicated and more fun than almost anyone else i know...

i'm not even doing her justice here but you'd have to be lucky enough to know her to know exactly how amazing she is

<3

you know

smoking popes "i need you around"

insomnia

toss
turn
repeat

can't
turn
off
my
brain

thinking
of
what
i'd
say

toss
turn
repeat

this
is
bad
for
business

sweet little lies

giving thanks

when asked what am i thankful for...my answer is that i'm thankful for stuff every day, i don't need a commemorative day to make my feelings real.

my cousin didn't think that answer was appropriate and told me it wasn't thoughtful

maybe it wasn't...

i mean i don't really get thanksgiving...it's a time to get together...gorge yourself stupid and relish in being lazy.

i like food...i like eating...but a holiday which basically tells you to eat like it's your last meal and then eat like that again and again...shows me there is something wrong with this countries relationship with food.

i will admit i like having the day off from work and who doesn't enjoy the idea of being lazy...but i do that on any given weekend so this remains no more special than any other day.

maybe it's the getting together with your family thing that draws people to this holiday...i guess i can get behind that...

unfortunately that doesn't really work for me either...i love my family but they can be a bit much...holidays make them more intense than usual. i've been a loaner for so long sometimes i can't shut it off. so although i get a really warm reception when i wind up at these things i usually do my best to avoid them all together. i just end up sitting in a corner over analyzing everyone and shaking my head way too much.

i don't know...i'm just this person.

i will say that although holidays make me loopy, this is the beginning of the time of year where i just can't help but be in a good mood. there is an allure about it all. there is a different smell in the air...people are more tolerable...the city itself looks sparkling. holding hands, huddling for warmth, hot cocoa, autumn leaves, first snow, furry boots, cashmere scarfs, blinking lights, fireplaces, buzz, buzz, buzz...it all screams out to me. so although thanksgiving doesn't resonate with me...the beginning it represents brings out my best.

and to satisfy my cousin...today i'm thankful for
little brothers
my father's features
my mother's heart
my parents faith in me
15yrs of sade...2yrs of hank and dio
those blue eyes
my records
real BFFs
flannel sheets
living in a bubble and all it offers
someone special who told me i'm more important and meant it

hating stuff

i'm extremely frustrated right now...unfortunately i wish i could say it was just at one thing but it's so many things all balled up into a voltron of crappity crap

i broke down and cried at practice tonight...
my leg won't let me do what i want it to, and there isn't any time for it to get any better.

having been injured twice in the last 2 months i have really let my fitness go and it's showing.
i feel fat, i feel weak, i feel tired

to top it all off, my lack of employment has left me apathetic and i really want to do nothing all the time...
i'm probably a little depressed too.

i can name only a couple of things that make me happy right now...and at least 2 of those are mildly stressful.

derby is supposed to be my solace...it's supposed to be my retreat...something i'm good at that i can just do...

i can't just do it right now and it's bumming me out...

maybe it's my period...maybe it's my need for a personal pity party...
i'm sure i'll be fine tomorrow...
i hate it...and i want to cry...well cry some more...

feeling

sentimental and burdened...


more later...