it comes and goes

paper airplanes

2009-07-30T21:47:00.002-05:00

i can't stop laughing at this...
i can't stop smiling cause this is my life...
i love it...
i love him!

This song has been on repeat

2009-07-22T22:40:00.001-05:00

can you tell i'm in love?

Roller Derby in the Movies!!!

2009-07-15T16:30:00.002-05:00

OMG OMG SOOOO EXCITED FOR THIS! THIS TRAILER LOOKS AWESOME!

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1810036665/video/14521961

good & bye

2009-07-12T21:35:00.006-05:00

i just got done finishing the movie shop girl.
i can't say i was particularly impressed by it and i vaguely remember reading reviews when it came out that said it wasn't really that great...maybe i should have read the book instead.

the movie, although sort of hit and miss...did have some poignant parts which semi reflected my life and left me thinking about how i had spent the earlier part of this year.

much like the characters in the movie, me played by claire danes (maribelle), him played by steve martin (ray)...at the end of the story i wind up happy and with someone who loves me, he winds up missing me. funny how those things work out.

in the story, maribelle was wooed by this older man, ray. she gave him anything and everything she could, whilst he kept his distance but played the part to the best of his abilities...never actually being able to master the commitment. living a fantasy littered with fancy things, paid for dinners and romantic weekends, the dream continues for a while but everyone in the audience is waiting for the bottom to fall out. and then it happens...she asks him "why don't you love me?" which was asked in a way which i always asked "him" "why won't you choose me?" and ray doesn't have an answer. like i said...movie mimics real life in an uncanny way.

eventually, just like i did, maribelle moves on, hurt now but knowing that either way the hurt would be there...much like how i looked at it "it just all depends on when you want to deal with it". and i imagine just like in this movie we think about eachother from time to time, sometimes at the same time without even knowing it.

in the end, they see each other, her with the new person in her life (jeremy), a person who "surpasses" ray in all aspects, because jeremy can give her what ray never could...his whole self. ray finally tells maribelle that he did love her and that he was sorry for how things turned out...she cries...but once you move forward you can't go back...because we all know that often what's broken can't be fixed.

maribelle says goodbye and runs into the arms of the one who actually can give her what she needs...

i don't know what happens from there cause the credits roll...but i imagine the characters see each other from time to time, still do that thinking thing but move on to live the lives they were supposed to live.

i think the saddest part about the whole thing...fiction or not...is that the time lost...the time and heart you give to someone else...and how most people only care about it when you're gone.

my life

2009-07-01T13:46:00.002-05:00

so much good stuff with this one

ppppffftttt

2009-04-11T23:44:00.007-05:00

i haven't been writing because my life is one big mess right now
well that's sort of an exaggeration...
which i'm personally prone to
i tried to explain this once to a "friend"
about how life isn't so insane but in my little bubble certain things just make me want to eat my young...
i mean i literally feel like i'm losing it all the time over certain things..

recently i keep putting things on my plate and then getting side tracked when trying to complete them
the only thing i have actually finished is the acquisition of a guitar which i've had for about a month and i have still not tried to learn how to play
i also bought myself a new macbook with the intention of writing more and yet i sit on it aimlessly making new photos in photobooth and perusing the www apparently for the page where it ends...

a lot of emotional stuff is happening for me too...most of it i can't talk about...oh secrets...but it does all mostly revolve around
growing up, looking at my life, figuring it all out
what i want to keep from my past and my present and what i want to let go
i thought i was supposed to have all this figured out with my new years resolutions of letting ships sail on and shit, but like most things in life, i can't stick to any of it.

i was looking at my hands today and they are getting old.
i mean...they are just not how i remember them...they have these lines that weren't there before...i'm not scared of wrinkles but i'm scared of the time line that comes with them.

life is moving fast but nothing is changing...it's some weird cycle...maybe the reason why most people in their 30s say that the 20s sucked...
what is that about?

and with that...
i gotta start being ok with being alone
you think after 10 years of willy nilly kissing and hugging i'd get the bigger picture
but...
some of us are also slightly brain damaged
alone isn't so bad
at least alone i can't get into t.r.o.u.b.l.e.

<3

2009-03-19T00:20:00.002-05:00

She's not at work, she's not at school,
she's not in bed, I think I finally broke her.
I bring her home everything I want, and nothing that she needs.

I thought she'd be there holding daisies, she always waits for me.
She thinks she missed the train to Mars, she's out back counting stars.

out of step

2009-03-16T07:55:00.003-05:00

in all seriousness...not one song can make me feel how this song makes me feel

"i'm running out of time i'm out of step and
closing down and never sleep for wanting hours
the empty hours of greed and uselessly always
the need to feel again the real belief of
something more than mockery if only i could
fill my heart with love"

i wish i could write like this...

$$

2009-03-14T15:37:00.005-05:00

i wish i lived on the west coast in february...or i knew someone who was willing to lay down $150 on this thing for me
then i wouldn't be seriously considering spending $500 on this POC on ebay...cause i'm sure that's what the ending bid will be

i seriously need to stop looking at records i want...
i'm bout to go brokes

ho hum

wounds

2009-03-12T23:49:00.001-05:00

the beginning of a new scar...to compliment the old one

drjg

2009-03-12T09:06:00.000-05:00

this is what pollutes my brain right now

ring a ling a ling

2009-03-12T08:51:00.001-05:00

courtesy of my friend leslie's aunt...truly amazing

no more dreams...

2009-03-03T23:56:00.001-06:00

just self fulfilling prophecies

kiss it goodbye

2009-02-24T18:02:00.000-06:00

truths

2009-02-24T10:30:00.000-06:00

Car: you're in a love triangle
me: i have a lot of love related disorders

hate hate hate

2009-02-23T17:06:00.003-06:00

sometimes the swear words in my vocabulary just aren't enough

i feel nothing

2009-02-07T01:53:00.000-06:00

doofus

2009-02-05T00:29:00.004-06:00

i'm having serious writer's block so this blog hasn't been updated with anything of relevance for some time.

as of late, some of it can also be attributed to feeling extremely blasé about anything and everything

i don't feel really happy and i don't feel really sad...it's like my emotions have emotions which negate any sort of real feeling...does that make sense?

probably not.

so i've just been sleeping a lot...so much so that my mom commented on it tonight (for the record she thinks i have mono)

i need my mind back, it's gone on an apparent vacation

...

2009-02-01T22:11:00.001-06:00

i am losing it right now...
end transmission

in lieu of a real update

2009-01-26T16:39:00.002-06:00

me: this is fucked
carla: lol dude, sad kermit bums me out
me: i think sad kermit bums everyone out
carla: not only does elliott smith do it, but kermit covering him makes me want to die

artist

2009-01-16T08:04:00.001-06:00

"You come into the world alone and you go out of the world alone yet it seems to me you are more alone while living than even going and coming."

it's 2am

2009-01-12T02:10:00.002-06:00

i love late night g-chats with stephen

<3 <3 <3

funny again

2009-01-11T00:14:00.001-06:00

Scorpio - January 10, 2009

The vibration from the planets is bringing you a deeper understanding of why someone close tends to behave in a certain way. Up until now you may have been puzzled by their attitude, which seemed to show a combination of genuine affection and indifference. As you allow your mind to drift over this issue, a realization will dawn that will help you to see just what is going on.

nerd alert

2009-01-09T00:08:00.000-06:00

funny

2009-01-08T22:11:00.000-06:00

Scorpio - January 8, 2009

The day's significant planetary aspect may make you confused about your feelings. On the one hand, you have a list of reasons as long as your arm as to why you should not have anything more to do with a certain person; but on the other, you are very much drawn by their wonderful eyes, their enchanting poetry, and magical sense of humor. What is a girl to do on such an occasion?

issues anyone?

2009-01-07T20:30:00.004-06:00

i'm putting off writing this paper...the first of many that i won't really want to write but i have to in order to get done with school.

i found out the other day that should everything work out in my favor i'll be done with school come november of this year. if something should go awry i will be looking at one quarter past that...so spring of 2010.

it's basically 8 classes that stand in the way of my happiness and ability to move on...

i've been so lethargic this past week. it's been really hard to stay motivated enough to keep my eyes open. i constantly want to take naps. i can only assume it's getting acclimated to this new schedule...my life is busy again. derby, school and work are all time intensive. i wanted the routine all back but now i'm sort of kicking myself in the butt for wishing so hard for it. i really wish like everyone does for a unending supply of money so i can just leisurely go through life, doing what i want with no responsibilities to anyone.

but while i'm waiting around for that little miracle...what i long for most right now is to have more alone time at home. this evening i came home and probably had about an hour and a half before my mom stepped foot through the door. she was later than she normally is and i kept looking at the clock savoring every minute that i didn't have to hear someone else moving around in the house. around 6:30 i went into my room and tried to lay down in the dark...like i said i've been super tired...i just wanted to get to sleep early or take some sort of nap. i was down for probably a half hour before i heard the door open, it slam and foot steps...my whole stomach sunk...in my mind i kept saying "god damnit"...hearing her footsteps up the stairs was almost enough to send me over the edge.

it's weird too because although we are in the same house only about 30% of the time we spend here together involves us actually talking to one another. it's the "being" that drives me crazy. yes que finger twirling near head "cuckoo" motion.

so i don't even know what that means for me...
i talked about it briefly with steve...he said family dynamic is different than having a roommate. i tend to agree but there are lots of grey area with that. which puts me in a place where i think i would want to live alone for a long time. when i think about it i probably couldn't ever live with anyone unless they were willing to hotel it for 4 out of the 7 day week. i remember having a roommate and staying in my room most of the time. we hardly ever shared common space at the same time and when she would have people visit i wanted to kill her. the first set of roommates i had, i felt like i cleaned up after them all the time. if it wasn't one thing it was another and i felt more like a mom than a equal. i've never lived with anyone i was dating...there are so many things about me that are strange and quirky...so many things that bend me out of shape, i'm not even sure if that is something that would work. i used to stay at john's enough that it was almost like living with him. there was point where it literally would have made more sense for me to pay rent there than commute back and forth from my place to his, but there was never a sense where i thought, this would be a good idea enough for me to push for it.

steve's solution was a place big enough that alone time could be had but companionship was still an option. that's fine...let me watch my tv programs and then we can come together for a snuggle sess before bed...i'll even cook you dinner but i don't want to necessarily eat it with you...a couple nights out of the week i will want to touch you while i'm sleeping but 75 percent of the time my back will be toward you and me drooling on my own pillow with a half a person worth of room between us (i'm a heater box and i don't need your body heat too). mutual time has to be on my terms...when i want it you have to want it and when i don't you need to find something else to do.

ha...i'm really not this much of a nazi...
guess it all depends...

fukity fuk fu*k

2009-01-06T23:23:00.004-06:00

i almost punched someone at practice tonight
i'm sick of people being so disrespectful
i'm not pulling rank i'm just trying to help you stupid

but that's fine dig your own grave...
i seriously don't have time to worry about you when i'm going through my own performance anxiety lately
why is roller derby so hard right now!

i do sometimes wish street justice was an acceptable form of problem resolution...
people seriously have no clue...

ok that was 16yr old danielle talking...
but man she's been rearing her ugly head lately

yoga...

bitch n moan

2009-01-06T07:37:00.003-06:00

my knee hurts
i need a new set of plates for my skates
i have the worst bruises i've ever gotten skating from a fall resulting in said plates being annihilated...

i hate getting up in the morning!
there isn't even sun out!
serenity now...serenity at any point today

oh cut me some slack

2009-01-05T23:27:00.001-06:00

miss you
miss you
want to kiss you
and you know...
other stuff

!!!!

2009-01-05T17:19:00.007-06:00

OMG bad brains van's that are NOT the sk8 hi!
loved the supreme collaboration but would never wear them

these babies on the other hand
get on my feet!!!!!

!!!!!!!! excitement !!!!!!!

release date in february 09
someone at van's loves me
they're giving me a ~~valentine's~~ valenTIME's day present
www.highsnobiety.com/news/2008/12/05/vans-x-bad-brains-spring-2009-collection/

eclectic

2009-01-04T23:46:00.003-06:00

i'm going crazy over the instruments they use in this song...
seriously...a recorder?
love the 80's
love depeche mode

i was just making 1 the year this video takes place
further proving i was born in the wrong decade

oh nye

2009-01-02T10:26:00.003-06:00

i don't particularly like nye

but i absolutely love my friends

good times

the new years eve closeup project

a project

2009-01-01T23:50:00.002-06:00

new camera = a side project to this blog
let's see if i can keep up

365diasdedanielle.blogspot.com

on the cusp on the new year

2008-12-31T14:35:00.003-06:00

when i heard this song on your ipod...i knew it was true love <3

at a glance

2008-12-30T21:40:00.015-06:00

i don't really know where to go with this...

i guess this is supposed to be a retrospective of my year
something that most people do when a new year approaches in an effort to see how far they have come, if they have remained stagnant or if they failed miserably and have taken several steps backwards.

i think i land somewhere in between all that.

a lot of good stuff is on the horizon but it's easy to also think about the things i'm still struggling with in my life and the new problems that have presented themselves.

this time last year i was sitting in punta cana getting an amazing tan and avoiding life for a week.
i got home in time for new years eve and wound up getting into a fight with the person i was seeing because i yelled at some dude for drinking all his beer and it made said dude feel like less of a man.

i guess at this point my night tomorrow can't do anything but top that

2008

JOBS
i had a job working for my friend and helping her build her company. although in the early part of the year i had mixed emotions about my place there, i would eventually become so disgruntled and wind up hating the job so much i would want to shoot myself every day i was there. i eventually just up and quit and to this day me and this friend are not talking, sort of over hurt feelings but mostly because we are both extremely stubborn. i went unemployed for about 2 months. the first month was amazing, i still had enough money to do things and spent a lot of time sleeping in and just being a low life. as the second month approached i began to feel the crunch on money and a general distaste for being a degenerate. not having a defined schedule really made me feel like i was worthless and although i was sending out 20+ resumes a day, the cards weren't falling into place. by almost fluke i wound up with a job at a growing internet company and although the job i currently have is somewhat remedial and mind numbing, the way the economy is, i'm glad i finally happened upon something that's flexible with school and is steady.

EDUCATION
i had talked about going back to school for the past two years. unfortunately a left over tuition balance from 2005 made that a non reality for me and my pride kept me from involving my parents in trying to help. at a time when my life seemed in the biggest transition ever and having turned 25 the pressure seemed on to make a move. at the lowest point of this someone who i cared a lot about bluntly said "why are you being a loser...why aren't you going back to school?" after a couple of long talks and some tears my parents wound up helping me with the tuition balance and i re-enrolled in school after a 3 year hiatus. i couldn't afford to go full-time the first go around but am enrolled for full time status this coming semester. striving to be an adult and get what i need to take the next step in life is what i've focused on. it's hard to be a 26 year old student, thinking about when i was 23 and made 40K/yr cause i could work full-time and settling for 1/3 of that annually in order to pursue my education. trying to get back into that mindset and feeling like i'm taking a step back when it's really in an effort to take several strides forward is difficult. sticking it out will be key...

FAMILY
in the beginning of the year i was so focused on roller derby that i had gotten to a point of completely neglecting my families needs as well as having a hard time of effectively maintaining any sort of relationship. there would be weeks where i wouldn't talk to my dad or see my brother and both live across the alley from me. my relationship with my mother seemed to be rapidly disintegrating because of our living situation and more and more i wished to be rid of any and all obligations pertaining to them. if i could sum it up, this year was the year where i felt very selfish, then deserted and finally reaffirmed. i realized, although much later than i probably should have, that i needed to find a healthy balance with my family and that as i get older the opportunities to be with them become less and less and so the effort i make needs to be more and more. at the close of this year i realize that i will get only one 5th year with my brother, one 53rd year with my mother and one 54th year with my father. these years are important and as we all age the reality that the next might not even be a option becomes more real. lesson learned...i won't ever let something take my time away from them again...

FRIENDS
this year was weird in the friends department. it put me in a place where i had to seriously reevaluate how i treat people in my life and what i'm willing to let go of in order to not be someone no one wants to be around. part of being an only child is being extremely selfish and stubborn. i have a huge heart and would do anything for the people i care about, but at the same time i have a hard time getting past things i don't agree with and that can sometimes lead to an offensive nature that some people can deal with but most can not. good friends have rode the wave on my emotions and dealt, other good friend haven't and well...aren't friends anymore. this year took a lot of self evaluation and i'm not sure where it puts me for the upcoming year but i imagine some will be cutting my losses and others will be hopeful re connections with those friendships i feel i did a severe injustice to. i hope some of it will be warmly received but i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch...i guess i'm just crossing my fingers and staying positive.

highlights
getting to new levels of friendship with amy
reconnecting with my BFF from high school carla
trying to hang out with different people who i've always shared common interests with aka stephen and natalie
being the type of friend that mickey deserves...the hiatus did us some good but i'm glad to be back in your life
learning that even when you stop dating someone, they can still be one of your best friends

lowlights
sending an e-mail to someone trying to reconnect and being shot down
losing a good friend due to stubbornness
realizing that friend is a word only used when convenient by some people in my life with reference to me

DERBY
i accomplished a lot this year. it was the first year i felt i was an effective and irreplaceable part of my home team. it was also my first year as a captain in which i coached our all-star team to #2 in the nation. i've been to several cities i had never visited before and made more derby friends than in the last 3 years i have been playing. i helped in setting a foundation of professionalism in the league that eventually got us a home at the UIC Pavilion and figured out that i didn't have to do everything on the league for it to run. as the year closes out i have taken several steps back from leadership in an effort to regain my sanity. this is the first year that i have ever seriously considered it being my last and as of right now i'm not even sure how roller derby really fits into my life. once we start playing again i feel like i might be rejuvenated, the fire inside me reignited, but as of right now the fire burns low...some of me hopes it gets brighter but there is a tiny part of me that feels like i might need to move on...in reality it sort of scares me

MUSIC
at the beginning of the year i hadn't been to a hardcore show in almost 2 years (although a brief appearance was made at a 35th birthday bash). the hiatus was for a variety of reasons but some of it was a loss of connection to something that was once really important to me. after being in a relationship that didn't introduce me to anything new musically (a first for me), i started to really crave that part of me. in august i went back to it, the show was tiny and strange as i didn't know if i could just jump back into it...but after initial awkwardness let up, i decided to push on and wound up showing up at another show and well it all sort of started to feel ok...
but it was still different and remains that way for me...
i'm still unsure of where i fit in here or if there is even a place for me anymore. i don't know many bands and i still favor my old records to anything new. it's not a particularly good time for hardcore in my eyes but some stuff on the fringe i've really started to like. garagey, muted, unclean, little mosh, lotsa guitar...i don't know...it's weird
i've really uped my indie intake and have gotten to the point where my ipod mostly consists of things like that. if i had to state what i found this year that moved me the most it would probably be the eddie vedder soundtrack to into the wild...rogue wave, nada surf and sufjan stevens come in as close runner ups to my most played over the course of the year. my music selections seem to reflect my early/mid nineties life...weird how times change but not much else does.

LOVE
this is a complicated and sorted subject. one i can't really go into much detail about because of the implications on my life and those around me. the most important thing i have walked away from this year is that although i can't change anyone i am in full control of how people affect my life. i've dealt with the secrets, the comfortable, the boring, the intense and the negative. coming from a divorced family and seeing my mom alone for far too long has gotten me extremely fearful of being alone for the rest of my life. because of that i have kept certain people around on the outskirts, fall backs for the "just in case", people who i care about but i'm not in love with. i've been doing that for years actually...it's a product of my mind set and probably a reason why i can't ever be in a healthy relationship. a couple of months ago i really tried to get serious about what i wanted and how i could achieve it without holding back. this meant letting go of what wasn't healthy and it's been a process but i feel like the strength, will and want is finally achieved. actually today was the first day where i was very confident in my decision and what it meant for my future and my life. in the next couple of weeks there is so much more housekeeping i need to do in order to move on with a uncluttered heart. i'm hopeful for some things and sad to see other things that i spent so much energy on go away. parting with your lingering feelings is never easy...but i have to remember that no one ever got anywhere holding out for a ship that's already passed.

looking at all this, the year was successful. lessons learned, new roads traveled, opportunities a plenty and hope for the future. i don't regret although i recognize times at which i could have made different decisions and made things easier. but without those lessons or tragedies you can't really grow...and life is about growing. although i don't normally make resolutions besides the standard to lose more weight...this year i am resolved to be more considerate and passionate to those around me and try to learn how to deal with my finicky nature that pushes away more than it pulls in.

oh life...

2008-12-26T14:09:00.003-06:00

i'm so full of bad decisions lately...
i don't know why i am living the end of this year so recklessly...

i think in my mind i feel like i need a change in my life but it's evident that i don't know how to accomplish that without some sort of chaos.
typical me...

i know certain things about myself and i know how to stop certain problems before they start...but i still get stuck in the same circles, the same stories with the same endings...

sometimes moving forward doesn't always mean you are choosing the right direction

moving on...

dreams

2008-12-22T23:49:00.001-06:00

one day...

good day

2008-12-18T15:17:00.004-06:00

♫♫ yeah i've got choices
better make the right choices
t-chart all my choices
at least i still have choices

i try not to be awkward... ♫♫

months

2008-12-17T23:31:00.004-06:00

"i should just tell you that maybe the story won't end how we want it"

more picture fun

2008-12-16T23:52:00.006-06:00

going through my computer trying to organize stuff...
came across so much stuff...
these are good.

yep...those are my parents...
this is one of my favorite photo booth pictures of myself. i don't remember when i took it or why but i can almost guarantee that is the photo booth in the rock n bowl.

our first windy city rollers calendar (2006). one of my favorite shots of all time...except my hand is doing something weird and i sort of look like i have a lobster claw...oh the good old days

everyone still raves about this halloween party. it was the only one i have ever thrown and it was really awesome. everyone dressed up and had a really good time. i dressed up as mary and gave away autographed pictures of myself as prizes for best costumes. the best from that night was cher and dog bounty hunter. this dude was creepy and never talked but like hung out with people...i title this photo...not even mary can save his soul

i used to have pink hair

and orange hair

this one time i rode the bull at hogs and honeys...

this little cuteness was coco's ex jacob's english bulldog. i loved her, tried to think of several ways to kidnap her but wound up having to settle for a photo instead...

one of my first bouts as a windy city roller. this move is called a baseball slide and is VERY illegal...not to mention i'm blocking out of bounds...

this is the first night anyone saw me with my half blonde/half black hair...people couldn't keep their hands off me...apparently blondes do have more fun...

i have all these really awesome pictures of me as a little one. the benefit of being an only child, stacks of photos just of me. i looked like mowgli from the jungle book in the bottom, it was taken at my abuela's house by my aunt. the top is from one of me and my parents frequent trips to the lake. we had that cooler for forever. these are two of my favorite pictures from the archives.

hank (top) and dio (bottom) are the best cats ever. i got one from a friend and the other i adopted. i was really concerned they weren't going to like each other but after about 2 weeks the became two tomcats totally gay for one another...i lucked out.

writer's block

2008-12-16T00:31:00.002-06:00

i wish i could download my brain
i have so much to write but it won't come out...
maybe over the next couple of days when i can decompress a little

uggghhh

i'm a

2008-12-14T00:27:00.001-06:00

big ball of gay right now...
and only you know what i mean...

now for depeche mode...!!...
:)

some of this and some of that

2008-12-11T00:41:00.004-06:00

there isn't much that i miss about being in a relationship...
aside from the semi-consistent intimate time and having someone around to jump on any of my bandwagons, there are a lot of things i can get by without.

while at a show tonight i don't really know what came over me but i started to get sort of bummed on not being with someone and pretty nostalgic at the notion of "love".

maybe it was the low lighting, the buzzing of the guitars or the lyrics about feeling everything. i bet they all sort of contributed but what really got to me was watching as so many men in this crowd gently rubbed or affectionately touched the backs or legs of the girls they were with. something so simple...it resonates deeply with me...

it's this small gesture i miss most...those moments where the person touches you because they simply HAVE to....because nothing can better translate how they feel about you than that contact. it's like being told you're needed and wanted, that nothing would be the same without you and they don't even want to think about that possibility...days, weeks, months, years, lifetimes can instantly be seen and you know that there are going to be tons of beginnings but never an ending...at least for that moment...and you get all of this without words ever being spoken. it's insane to me how your senses and emotions come alive when a person you care about touches you. all this transferred through fingertips...through a simple motion, a slight grip, a gentle rub...the heat from that hand warming the skin beneath your clothes, something you can still feel after they've removed it.

whatever that magic is...it's good and like i said...i miss it

-------

speaking of the show...

it was ted leo in a solo effort at a loft space at the corner of fulton and damen.
i'm pretty sure it is the same building that anton used to screen at when he actually had a job but i hadn't been there in almost 6 years so i might be wrong.

tim kinsella of joan of arc and cap n jazz fame and older brother to mike kinsella from one of my favorite bands american football was co-headlining and did a solo thing as well much to my delight. dudes like tim and mike totally make me think i could pick up an electric guitar and tour the world making up small harmonies and singing slightly off key...maybe in 20-oh nine.

well i still have a story i think most would enjoy but first...you'll need a brief introduction to get the joke

...on several occasions throughout his set, TL would state that he was leaving his guitar "a little wet"...which was referring to this sort of off tuned sound. it was in a effort to support a steady bit of stage banter and probably deflect the fact that he kept playing out of tune...but anything that he said was laughed at by most present...keeping things pretty status quo.

the most memorable part of the night besides hearing the songs i wanted to from mr. leo (although on a side note most songs did not translate well to a solo effort) was this...

ted leo: this is a love song...
kid in crowd: make us cry
ted leo: i haven't made you cry yet?? i'm not doing my job apparently
lady from crowd: i'm crying from my crotch

COMPLETE SILENCE

ted leo: i didn't quite catch that...all i heard is blah blah CROTCH

small pause

some other dude in crowd: it's a little wet

huzzah!

oh and to top it off, the poem guy was there and did a poem about ted leo...if you frequented the fireside as much as i did as a teenager you totally know who i'm talking about and that just made your day.

picture fun

2008-12-10T00:00:00.003-06:00

I Am In Love With Blossom

Snowy Campbell Ave

Glow

What I Did Last Friday Night Click for Pics

ode to athena

2008-12-08T23:57:00.005-06:00

athena decrime aka decrizzle aka amy smith has been a part of my life since 2005.

we met when i tried out for the windy city rollers. she was one of the first people to talk to me at the recruitment event and she hand picked me from about 30ish "skater tots" to be a part of her team.
she captained me for 3 years and i guess we started to get close which is par the course when you are around someone for 4-5 days out of every week.

i don't know what the turning point was though, where we went from being skating buddies to real life friends. it was probably when we started taking trips together for travel team about two years ago and realized that we were really the only people we could stand being around in confined quarters. whatever it was that made that friendship blossom, she is now one of my best friends and someone i would do anything for.

this year has seen it's share of ups and downs for us and somehow we have weathered all the storms. in all honesty i'm thankful because i'm not sure what i'd do if she wasn't around.

no one would really understand how she lights up my life but...
things like telling me i IM like i talk...thus making me uncontrollably laugh like she always does...
or indulging me when i'm having moments of mental clarity
listening to all my bullshit and giving me advice that only a black woman living in a white woman's body could lay down
telling me i'm prettier and meaning every word of it
saying things like "her hair looks like a weave" and not thinking twice cause she knows it will make me smile

as you can tell a true friend in ever sense of the word

she's smart, beautiful, witty, hilarious, dependable, honest, hardworking, dedicated and more fun than almost anyone else i know...

i'm not even doing her justice here but you'd have to be lucky enough to know her to know exactly how amazing she is

<3

you know

2008-12-08T15:46:00.001-06:00

smoking popes "i need you around"

insomnia

2008-12-08T05:25:00.000-06:00

toss
turn
repeat

can't
turn
off
my
brain

thinking
of
what
i'd
say

toss
turn
repeat

this
is
bad
for
business

baby it's cold...

2008-12-07T22:58:00.000-06:00

it's getting to be the point of ridiculousness outside with the weather. for the past couple of days it has been insanely cold, super bitter and with the sun only out for 5 hours a day, you basically put your life into the hands of fate that you will withstand frostbite as you leave the warm confines of your home.

lots of things i would like to be doing outside but i feel relatively unequipped...i guess i have the basic elements but this might be the year i invest in a thermal body suit to wear underneath everything i own. i used to be a relative hot box...like i could easily get away with the bare minimal during the winter and not have it matter. anyone who has ever slept next to me would laugh at this whole thing because i'm a human furnace come bed time, but as i've gotten older, my skin must be getting thinner because i can't escape feeling so cold on the outside that it breaks the barriers to my insides.

as we speak i just complained to my mom that it was too cold in the house...the thermostat says like 77 at this point and i want it at 85.

in an effort to ward off the cold weather and look fashionable while doing so i made this purchase tonight. charlie said the plaid was ill but tried to get me to buy a down coat instead...i like this one though so i stuck with it. i was set on the brown but on further inspection at REI with mickey it was determined that the black was a better choice...of course they didn't have my size...the medium wouldn't fit over my boobs...so i had to order it online...only a week or so until total warmness.

till then i'm still on the lookout for the perfect glove/scarf/mittens set...but like i said i think at this point i might need a whole face mask set up to battle this god damned wind...

oh chicago...
time to hibernate...
LOTR marathon here i come...

mumble mumble

2008-12-06T18:09:00.000-06:00

hot bath
booth's lavender mineral soak
hate.contempt.hate.
no more worries...
dio during cold shower
my ipod knows me too well

at random
interpol - narc
depeche mode - behind the wheel
erykah badu - orange moon
nada surf - your legs grow
the killers - jenny was a friend of mine
the strokes - under control
mxpx - destroyed by you
oasis - shakermaker
dio - holy diver

sweet little lies

2008-12-06T16:53:00.000-06:00

shooezzzz

2008-12-03T19:12:00.000-06:00

sometimes the vans vault impresses me and i have to go on these scavenger hunts to find the shoes i want. for months these shoes have been elusive to me on the nerd...i suppose i could do some more in depth hunting but i'm too lazy for such things...

so as i was sitting here and lurking blogs i came across a link to a site where you could purchase shoes from the vans vault...it jogged my memory that i was still on the look out for these lovely ladies above and so i clicked on it thinking i'd still be SOL on the niagara front...

sooooo this blog started out with me finding these shoes but only in japan and wishing i knew how to convert their monopoly money into our real money to see the price. i also wasn't having any luck with their hieroglyphics so majorly bummed cause, as i said before, i've searched the nerd in vein for these and come up short...

but i thought i would give it one more try...
turns out...i found them!
in colorado...on sale...and in a 8.5 which i'm hoping is a mens size
although...i usually wear a mens 8 i could easily settle for a little big to have these...

crossing my fingers

these moon eyes in black and white are next on my list

merry xxxmas to me!

approaching a decade

2008-12-03T09:02:00.001-06:00

i couldn't really remember what year I got into hardcore. as a skinhead i listened to some crossover, warzone, sick of it all, cro mags, you know standard nyhc type stuff. i distinctly remember amy hong getting me into gorilla biscuits before i had ever stepped foot into an actual hardcore show but with my bad memory i fell short of knowing when it all came together. i still can't remember my first show although i am sort of convinced it was a rts show in wisconsin.

so i went riffling through some pictures to jog my memory but also in an effort to find one in particular for steve kane that highlights his awesome hair dye choices. the oldest picture i had was from a show at the fireside in 1999 which i'm pretty sure was a no justice show...i only scanned things 2001 and before...some from shows...some from social events that have people in them i hardly ever or never see anymore...but i feel as though a lot of what i documented is missing....

then again i do have about 40 rolls of film that have never been developed...i can only imagine the gems in there...

Chicago Hardcore

oh...and if you're so inclined...the byrd years

oi oi

oh i wish

2008-11-30T23:08:00.001-06:00

this wasn't way creepy or wasn't too good to be true

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/roo/937761161.html

phone fun

2008-11-29T14:28:00.000-06:00

11.29 handlebar breakfast intensity

11.28 gabe doesn't like pictures

11.28 sophie makes a bed

11.21 sophie loves the playground!

11.20 kai time = best birthday present ever

giving thanks

2008-11-27T23:02:00.000-06:00

when asked what am i thankful for...my answer is that i'm thankful for stuff every day, i don't need a commemorative day to make my feelings real.

my cousin didn't think that answer was appropriate and told me it wasn't thoughtful

maybe it wasn't...

i mean i don't really get thanksgiving...it's a time to get together...gorge yourself stupid and relish in being lazy.

i like food...i like eating...but a holiday which basically tells you to eat like it's your last meal and then eat like that again and again...shows me there is something wrong with this countries relationship with food.

i will admit i like having the day off from work and who doesn't enjoy the idea of being lazy...but i do that on any given weekend so this remains no more special than any other day.

maybe it's the getting together with your family thing that draws people to this holiday...i guess i can get behind that...

unfortunately that doesn't really work for me either...i love my family but they can be a bit much...holidays make them more intense than usual. i've been a loaner for so long sometimes i can't shut it off. so although i get a really warm reception when i wind up at these things i usually do my best to avoid them all together. i just end up sitting in a corner over analyzing everyone and shaking my head way too much.

i don't know...i'm just this person.

i will say that although holidays make me loopy, this is the beginning of the time of year where i just can't help but be in a good mood. there is an allure about it all. there is a different smell in the air...people are more tolerable...the city itself looks sparkling. holding hands, huddling for warmth, hot cocoa, autumn leaves, first snow, furry boots, cashmere scarfs, blinking lights, fireplaces, buzz, buzz, buzz...it all screams out to me. so although thanksgiving doesn't resonate with me...the beginning it represents brings out my best.

and to satisfy my cousin...today i'm thankful for
little brothers
my father's features
my mother's heart
my parents faith in me
15yrs of sade...2yrs of hank and dio
those blue eyes
my records
real BFFs
flannel sheets
living in a bubble and all it offers
someone special who told me i'm more important and meant it

twinsies

2008-11-26T22:58:00.000-06:00

he told me that with my glasses i have a "ugly betty" thing going on...
racist...

tuesday night

2008-11-26T00:05:00.001-06:00

glasses and tattoos

it's true

2008-11-24T23:26:00.000-06:00

love this song
love eddie vedder
this pairing was made for me

finally an update

2008-11-24T00:59:00.000-06:00

it's too late to be witty so bear with me

i've been back from portland/seattle for a week now and am still trying to wrap my head around a normal schedule
finally have a job...actually 2 and i'm trying hard to finish up with this semester of school
the eye tick is almost gone but a couple of things that weigh heavy on me make it kick into overdrive
i haven't been in the mood to update lately...but that always has a way of changing

a cliff notes version of my nationals weekend in portland and seattle
we took 2nd in the nation...fell to gotham...again...i just want to beat that team once
lots of crying, lots of laughter, a cookie shaped wood medal and tons of positivity
compliments galore
only got to see a fraction of what portland had to offer...it will be visited again
i had my first train ride across state lines...it was awesome & i even visited the dining cart
spent quality time with my favorite travel buddy...she loathed my nike rifts the whole time :)
fell asleep in the most comfortable bed i have ever slept in...thank you edgewater
my hotel room had a fireplace and the best shower ever
seattle fucking rules!
i'm in love with pike's public market
i wish we had produce like that in chicago
i had the best goat cheese i have ever tasted from a town that's home to the world's largest egg
damn there are a lot of hobos in seattle!
decrime and i made a commitment to move to the pacific northwest in 3 years if not sooner
fiction, diablo, decrime gossip session on plane ride home
larry our flight attendant who incidentally had a crush on me which resulted in free booze for fiction!
wishing i could spend a couple weeks exploring washington state

Portland Pictures

Seattle Pictures

Pikes Market Pictures

the art of drowning

2008-11-10T07:49:00.001-06:00

how is it...
i'm going to be 26 in a little over a week
and i'm still playing the same games
getting wrecked emotionally
thinking things will be different when everything stays the same

mope mope
gripe gripe

interpol on repeat for at least the next 2 weeks...maybe the next 2 months
welcome winter

i know you're pessimistic...but

2008-11-05T09:57:00.000-06:00

THIS IS HISTORY IN THE MAKING

anarchy at the polls

2008-11-04T14:04:00.000-06:00

in the last election i was old enough to vote but didn't...we all see how that turned out...
so in an effort to not blame myself for another four years of turmoil i made my way to the local polls and did my civic duty.

although illinois always seems to turn up blue, in the end there was something somewhat enticing about actually participating in the process for this election.

for a while i told my mom there was no way in hell i was going to vote...it seemed like a waste of time in my book and in all honesty i'm not even familar with all the issues (although i'm not sure how you can be). in my mind i see someone who looks fair and someone who doesn't but neither actually represents me or my interests. so the less of the two evils gets my vote right? well what is the point of that?

she told me if nothing it would be something to tell my kids...i voted in the first election where a non whitey had a shot of being the next PUSA. that seemed cool enough so i gave in.

there wasn't a line at my local school which was a sigh of relief (i hate lines) and a cause for concern in my mind (this is a neighborhood filled with Obama signs). i give my idea to this young girl, i sign my name and she gives me a ballot. tells me to go behind some metal contraption and fill out my card. i get there and read the instructions...i'm not a stupid girl but the way the ballot is set up could be really confusing...but i press on. i realize there is nothing to punch my choices...oh wait apparently you don't punch choices, but instead connect these two parts of an arrow...but alas no pen...so i dig in my purse and find one...and begin...the instructions don't say much about whether or not the line has to be straight...what if you only fill it in half way...what if you go outside of the pre marked arrow lines...so i just do what i can.

i realize that i know relatively nothing about everyone else on the ballot besides the presidential nominees. i vote democrat where i can and if the option is for green i vote that. the whole backside of the ballot revolved around people who wanted to retain their positions in the courts. i abstained from those...i have no idea who any of these people are. this whole process has me wishing i followed politics closer.

i finish up and then i put my ballot through the electronic counter...they give me a voting receipt (i want a fucking sticker) and they say bye. as i go to put my pen back in my purse a woman says...wait...can we have our specialty pen back. i tell her the pen was mine...she asks if i voted with that pen...i say yes...she says...wait a second. turns out...you have to use a special type of pen to vote...which i never got from the girl who gave me the ballot. the print out when i put my ballot through said defective...but no one checked it and had i walked out of that place without her seeing me put the pen back in my purse...it would have been like i didn't even vote.

i get another ballot, go through the whole process again but fuck up, so i have to do another one. third times a charm with me i guess...i finally put it through, it's accepted and i walk out of there slightly annoyed and slightly satisfied...

i can't even imagine the amount of problems there are going to be tonight after work lets out...
good luck obama

did you say justice?

2008-10-23T23:26:00.000-05:00

i watched this story on the news tonight.
it was inspiring...
sometimes the little guy does win...
and sometimes people who try to make a buck on the back of others...get just what they deserve

www.abcnews.go.com/Blotter/story?id=6090850&page=1

OMFG weekend

2008-10-10T07:13:00.000-05:00

i haven't written lately because i've been mad stressed and super busy

getting ready for our eastern regional tournament has been draining

it's 7:15am and we're off in a couple of hours to madison to try and take the #1 spot in the east

it can be done...it will be done

if you want to catch any of my games over the weekend and sit in front of a computer, you can catch a life bout cast (detailed jam by jam report live) and a live video feed @ www.derbynewsnetwork.com/leadjammer

our first game is at 9:45 tomorrow morning and if we win that we automatically advance to nationals (thank god for byes - 4 games in one weekend is brutal)

after that we have to win 2 more games to place at the number 1 slot

if we win tomorrows game we will have another game at 8:15pm

wish me luck

8am

2008-10-03T09:48:00.000-05:00

http://www.derbynewsnetwork.com/

this is what i have been doing since 8am this morning. watching a live boutcast of the western regional tournaments. i plan on being here all day/night...

roller derby is addictive...get into it!

mildly entertaining...

2008-10-02T09:51:00.000-05:00

www.mailorderhusbands.net/order

Barack Brains!

2008-10-01T13:59:00.001-05:00

ramirez jr.

2008-09-27T13:24:00.001-05:00

park, ice cream, a killer wipe out and a bumped head = a good friday

8-Bit

2008-09-26T10:26:00.000-05:00

You have to check this out!

The best part is the slideshow...the commentary at the bottom of each photo is also equally hilarious

This one is by far my favorite aptly titled "Game Over for Good First Impressions"

enjoy!

http://www.asylum.com/2008/09/23/nintendo-tattoos-classic-8-bit-inspired-ink/?icid=aimDBDL2_link1-a

blowski <3

2008-09-25T01:18:00.000-05:00

hating stuff

2008-09-23T23:25:00.000-05:00

i'm extremely frustrated right now...unfortunately i wish i could say it was just at one thing but it's so many things all balled up into a voltron of crappity crap

i broke down and cried at practice tonight...
my leg won't let me do what i want it to, and there isn't any time for it to get any better.

having been injured twice in the last 2 months i have really let my fitness go and it's showing.
i feel fat, i feel weak, i feel tired

to top it all off, my lack of employment has left me apathetic and i really want to do nothing all the time...
i'm probably a little depressed too.

i can name only a couple of things that make me happy right now...and at least 2 of those are mildly stressful.

derby is supposed to be my solace...it's supposed to be my retreat...something i'm good at that i can just do...

i can't just do it right now and it's bumming me out...

maybe it's my period...maybe it's my need for a personal pity party...
i'm sure i'll be fine tomorrow...
i hate it...and i want to cry...well cry some more...

this past weekend

2008-09-22T23:26:00.000-05:00

i'm still reeling...i have a lot of stuff going on in my head...
between derby, school and personal stuff...i can't wrap my brain around any complete thoughts

more later but...

highlights
-beating the number one team in the country by 100+pts
-liars danceparty (naked guy & shawnzie are by far my favorite)
-meeting some great people from KC
-finding my calling as the singer in Rock Band
-hour long talks in my car
-kai's turtle song

flowers

2008-09-19T16:35:00.000-05:00

cause sometimes you have to do something nice for yourself

they're coming...

2008-09-18T22:16:00.001-05:00

kansas city is coming...the number one team in the county!
in less than 2 days i will be skating in one of the most pivotal games of my roller derby career.
this is a test...a test to see what type of progress we have made since last year.
a good marker for how we are sizing up for regionals...

i'm nervous and excited...tonight it's going to be hard to sleep...tomorrow will probably be worse.

the last couple of practices have been amazing, everyone has been pushing their bodies to the limits and wonderful things have been happening

kansas city might want this win but i can see it in my teams eyes...we want it MORE...

happy monday

2008-09-15T16:46:00.000-05:00

while flipping through the "Happy Days Where Are They Now?" i stumbled across Chuck Cunningham (Richie's older brother who mysteriously disappears after season 1 with no explanation). in the spiel about him they briefly mention he will be staring in the sequel to the descent! excuse me...sequel...oh man!

i have no idea how i didn't know about this but since the movie is hands down one of my favorite flics i am WAY excited...it's set to come out next year and i can't wait...

read more here

<3

tag you're it...

2008-09-13T20:21:00.001-05:00

20 years ago... i was 5..i went to preschool at "love and care". a year earlier a philipino kid named richie almost stabbed me in the eye with a pencil at the same place. we we're fighting over the strawberry shortcake one...apparently he wanted it more. had he been a better shot i might be blind in one eye, but instead i wound up with a lead dot on the side of my nose.

10 years ago... i was 15 almost 16 and went to an all girls school. this was the year i became a skinhead. i was a punk rocker. i had a shaved head with two long pieces in the front and was mistaken for a skinhead girl by a gas station attendant. i thought he was cute and my friend erin gave him my number. turns out he was 21 and i lied to him and told him i was 18. we started dating and he got me into the whole skinhead scene. i cut the two long fronts into bangs and my chelsea was born. i later revealed that i was 15 but it didn't seem to be a problem (ha!), he even went to my junior prom and went on to be the first boy i ever fell in love with. i ran with a crew of girls, got into a lot of fights and never came home on time. i'm pretty sure this was also the same year that i met andre for the first time. though we wouldn't get entangled in one another's lives until 3 years later...

5 Years ago...i was twenty going on twenty one..straightedge, hardcore and my friends were the only things that mattered. i was in college but i didn't care much about it...i'm pretty sure i was dating someone from lake in the hills...this time line gets fuzzy in my mind.

3 Years ago...this was the year i met the windy city rollers and belle diablo was born. anyone who knows me knows that roller derby would become an obsession with me that would eventually get me through one of the most insane freak outs of my life (read more below). i love it and hate it all at the same time, but i have become such a better person for having it in my life. i would probably end there because i have a horrible memory and i can hardly remember anything that happened yesterday much less 3 years ago. in an effort to be more insightful, i often have to reference things with e-mails or journals to try and figure out what i was doing in certain years. actually, that's one of the reasons i started this blog.

So while trying to do this, i came across my old livejournal and it just happened to be really active 3 years ago. apparently i was an emotional wreck...ha. reading these for the early half of 2005 makes me look insane, not only that, completely obsessed with someone. I can easily pick out who most of these posts are about...the following year this all culminates into one of the most insane winters of my life...where a lot of these feelings come full circle and chaos ensues and ultimately why i withdraw from anything hardcore related and throw myself into roller derby. this dramatic entry is one of my favorites...

fucked on the fourth of july...
i'm giving up on everything because everything is giving up on me...

it's not the rain talking...
the worst thing is trying to be over someone and realizing you can't do it...
trying to be genuinely into someone else...
because maybe you two have some things in common...
and he has a pretty stellar smile...
but even looking at him...makes you think of that other person..
and then you realize you aren't fooling anyone...
not even yourself...
so you do the things you said you wouldn't...
you call even though you said you shouldn't...
and you realize what an idiot you have become...
and you figure that they will always have this effect on you...
so you stand in the rain...
stare at the sky...
ask god to let lightening strike you...
anything to make you not feel like you are as worthless as they make you feel...

and i ask the question...
am i good for anything?
and i give myself the answer...
good for the things people don't talk about...
i'm good for secrets...

and that's when i give up...

ha

Yesterday...got home around 5:30-6 in the am...snuck up my stairs and couldn't help but be in a good mood but also tired as hell. slept until 10 (record for me these days). had an interview *crosses fingers* and decided to meet up with someone special for lunch. we split pad thai and i was reintroduced to sushi and currently love asparagus, avocado and cucumber rolls. it should also be noted that i had the hugest glass of thai ice tea. i bummed around for a while after that and then got ready for practice. coming off a shitty practice on thursday where i basically lost it, i wasn't looking forward to another night of bullshit. but i was pleasantly surprised and it wound up being amazing! it was good to be with motivated people who wanted to get things done. the drills went off without a hitch and i feel like we made some real strides just in time for our game next week and gearing up to try and take the #1 spot in the east...

Tomorrow...scrimmage at 9:30am in preparation for regionals. the rest is up in the air...lazy sunday here i come

If you want to play this game...your read it, so now you write about it

it's official

2008-09-11T18:26:00.000-05:00

back 2 school (somehow not as cool as the rodney dangerfield movie)
i need a haircut
i make the same face in every picture (money wasted on braces...check!)

Do It Up Denver

2008-09-10T01:33:00.000-05:00

i went to denver for the weekend

denver is filled with hippies...i don't think i could live there
we won our bout but had to combat some of the worst reffing to get anything accomplished
missed my flight on sunday...had to be a transient for a day...home never looked so good
the denver zoo is awesome
never go to the bump and grind when you are in a bad mood...they make you hate your life

took tons of flics..a sample is below but the rest are here

less than 2 weeks until the kansas city game...ugggh

There's More Than Mountains in Denver

2008-09-09T20:31:00.000-05:00

Bump and Grind - Denver, CO

feeling

2008-09-02T15:15:00.000-05:00

sentimental and burdened...

more later...

lolz

2008-09-02T11:34:00.001-05:00

saturday nom nom

2008-08-30T23:32:00.000-05:00

although i considered a boycott after they said they stopped carrying mint chocolate chip icecream...thus leaving me milkshake-less...the food was really good tonight...so i just might reconsider..

vegan chixen parm with sweet tater fries

mickey eating his po boy with 2 sides of mashed potatoes (apparently the taters were taken off the menu during my hiatus but have made a long overdue comeback!)

after mickey took this picture he threw the camera down in horror and laughed...i'm apparently not very photogenic

the taters look like ice cream

fin by danielle

not so fin by mickey

i win!

critical mass is for lovers

2008-08-30T00:21:00.000-05:00

i admit i was a hater...but i've changed my mind...

it was organized chaos at its best...it felt amazing to be a part of

i rode a sting ray 20 miles

viva la bike

OMG

2008-08-29T14:54:00.000-05:00

that smart old coot...

i can't believe he did it...

obama stayed "safe" and mccain winds up rocking the boat...

i hope everyone realizes this is a ploy...a sad attempt to look progressive...i'm just waiting for SNL to point it out

5:34 in the morning...whatchoo gunna do?

2008-08-29T05:34:00.000-05:00

be up because crazy ass people are throwing shit at people's car windows on your block...
your mom yells out the window like a lunatic and you think some shit is going down in your house...

you put together the most awkward of outfits...cause let's face it, it's so humid i'm sleeping in nothing but some underwear...
you pull the first polka dot tank and power puff girls sleep pants you find...
have dried drool on your face and matted hair from the practice the night before...
and don't forget...no eyebrows!

of course...officer hot cop (i about died) and his all american side kick showed up...
it made me highly self-conscious at my outfit choice but reconsider my mom's idea of having me become a cop...

ha...cut me some slack..it's 5:30am...i basically just went to bed...

only on the 500S block of campbell...

so that's where she gets it

2008-08-28T08:04:00.000-05:00

when i was really young...toddler age...i used to take showers with my parents
they used to switch off and on who got to clean me each day and that seemed to save them lots of time when getting ready in the morning...
my mom told me that it worked for awhile, until one day i pointed to my dad and enthusiastically called out "what's that?"
what that was...was the end of showers with my dad

so as adolescence rolled around, my dad no longer lived with us but not much had changed around the house...

nudity was sort of a free for all...walking around naked in my house was pretty commonplace...shutting the door when using the bathroom or taking a shower was deemed unnecessary, as well as some sort of punishment, as you were left with no air circulation

as i grew older i used to have questions about it...talking to friends I sort of didn't understand why other people had no idea what their mom's boobs looked like...let alone why when it was just them with their families, they shut the door when they had to pee...

i guess it would have been different had my dad lived with us or i had siblings...then there would have been boundaries...

i used to attribute the lack of "nudewareness" to my mom being a euro...but upon further investigation, it turns out that my grandmother, the OG EURO, used to stroll around nude at their house all the time...completely undaunted by any social taboos that might have followed here in the states.

as i got older and my boyfriends got older, sleeping over people's houses became a total crap shoot to what to do.

although i never got many complaints about it being 2 in the afternoon and me watching episodes of Law and Order in the buff, when it came to peeing, i often got a mix bag when it came to needing to shut the door or not...

when i moved out of my house the situations became even more restrictive...even walking around in my bra and underwear wasn't an option...i often yearned for opportunities to run around the house naked/semi clothed without anyone noticing...

when opportunities arose (and there were few, seeing as at one place I had 3 roommates and at the other i lived with a non-local) i would take full advantage! No one could make me shut the door to pee, no one could make me close the door to that hot steamy bathroom when i showered and they definitely couldn't make me towel dry...air drying is so much more satisfying!

but when i moved back home, a lot of what i thought was normal had changed. i had lived on my own for a couple of years and started to develop the same sort of ideas about nudity as everyone else. funny thing is, NOTHING had changed here...my mom still adhered to the lane/ramirez rules of old and freely walked around like it was 1990!

for a while i got really uncomfortable...not understanding what her problem was...i mean for god's sake, i'm 25...you could put on a bra! we even had arguments over it...me pressing the issue that i had grown too old to see her butt and that i didn't yet need to know how my body was going to progress as a menopausal adult.

then of course i got to thinking...thinking that the whole world had screwed up this really awesome thing i had going in my house...

what the world is missing out on by their fear and embarrassment is having a really open relationship with the people they care about. i'm not suggesting that leaving the door open when you pee is going to get you a heart to heart, but knowing that i'm that comfortable with someone, comfortable enough at age 25 to walk the hallways of my house nude tells me i can tell my mother anything.

she doesn't flinch when i tell her to look at my boob cause i notice what appears to be a birthmark i never saw before...she doesn't get all weird cause it's my boob...she's seen em before...and when she asks me if she looks weird naked cause she's worried about dating again, i don't think twice about reassuring her...

i don't know...maybe the meaning is lost and i can't put it into words...but when it comes down to it...this is who i am...and as i've found out many times before...you can't change it...you just embrace it...

gold chain

2008-08-27T12:28:00.000-05:00

i used to have the biggest crush on this dude when i was in grade school...

i'm not really sure why white dudes feel the need to do these "video" parodies ala adam sandburg and jt...wait...maybe it isn't a parody...

if i had to be honest it's sort of reaffirmed my crush on Simon Rex and i must admit is pretty hilarious but proof that washed up celebs have too much money and too much time on their hands...

Say hello to Aktar

2008-08-26T22:33:00.001-05:00

i got to make out with one of these tonight...

i can save your life with my newly acquired CPR and AED skillz

i will say that 20 derby girls in one room with 10 Aktar dummies is a recipe for disaster...i'm not sure how anything got done

Iowa <3

2008-08-26T10:52:00.000-05:00

the mississippi, a really good friend, fresh air, blue skies and a much needed trip away from here...